Final Goodbyes!

I woke up today, like most days at 7:00 am. Nothing unusual about it . The sun still rose from the east. I hurriedly took a shave & bath and fished for my I-card in the populated drawer. And then it struck me

"What am I searching for. Its all over !
Its official now ! I am finally jobless all over again."

It was a truly emotional farewell at M&M on the penultimate as well as the final day yesterday (besides the sad part of not being on the payroll of M&M anymore).

The exit-HR interview & final clearances involving signatures at 20 places were done with (It really tells you how big an organization like M&M is).

I had my last snack at the 4*4 cafe, with the last swipe of my I-card.
I surrendered my card to the P&IR personnel, quite reluctantly. Not that I wanted to have a bite at another Dahi-puri, but it was a part n parcel of my pocket and my identity for the past 4 yrs.

Wherever I went, the card had the power to evoke awe among the general junta. Such was its power!


I sent my farewell mails to the entire fraternity of CDMM, sourcing, designers, quality, production I was involved with within M&M and my suppliers too.
People were glad that that the farewell mail was something they could relate too even though it was a tad too long.(Some even confessed to have slept while reading half-way.)

Lots of phone-calls, tons of handshakes, hugs, goodbye messages, loads of advice from the seniors, promises to keep in touch till the last - marked the day.


Giving the farewell speech on both days was tough. There was so much to talk yet so little came out.
We relieved the fine moments, the leg-pulling, the regrets, the fun @ work part, the getaways, the treks, etc.

I was overwhelmed by the occasion..the big lump in the throat had grown football size (No, not thyroid deficiency! An intense surge of moments & memories of the past 4 year made it so.)

M&M, being my first employer, the M&M hangover will take some time to fade away.

Till then I will have to get accustomed to the fact that I am no longer on any company's payroll. So no easy cash.

So I guess, its no longer the "Mahi"-way anymore.

My best wishes to all who helped me in this journey. You have been wonderful.

All the very best.

More from IIM-A

Regards

Vish

Deciphering corporate lingo

Its actually quite a puzzle to figure out what goes on in the minds of the top bosses of an organization. When the going is good, its supposed to be everyone's company and when its bad its my company and i kick u out. Weird huh??. Its during these "going good" times that the HR chips in with their quota of training-cum-competency development programmes. Moe often than not, these sessions are packed in the final weeks of the fiscal year when the HR dept eventually break their yr long slumber.
One such training session was spread over a whole week for the 1st week of march. It was one "designed" to sharpen & give shape to our already existing skills since it was supposed to be essential for "superior business performance to leverage the stregnths." There is something to the current fiscal status of a company and the discovery & use of new hi-fi management jargons. The relation is a very direct one would agree. An evidence for this was the very fromal mail for this training session. The mail for the training wasn't short of a wedding invitation although no one was willing to bet on whether it would be as enjoyable as one.It looked as if the Oxford dictionary had worked overtime for the mail and with its outrageous sprinkling of management fundas it sounded like a subtle. Some snippets:

The giant strides of progress we have made are in line with our larger goals for the next 5 years to meet our custemers latent desires.

What it means: We made 4 lac nos., we sold 3.8 lac nos. Not bad!! Next time make sure everything is pushed well into the market.

The fruits of success have finally begun to ripen. The architects of these herculean achievements are undoubtedly all of you. You have made yourselves & and your company proud.

What it means: Damn! i cant belive it! you guys managed to sell it all. How on earth did u do it??

We have achievements tremendous growth in sales & valuations despite the turbulent scenario, the skewed exchange rates, the volatile interest rates (some more rates). But we still shouldnt be happy!

What it means: You did good. ..Doesnt mean you ask for a raise. You wont get any. Remember what Lord krishna told arjuna in the Gita!

It that time of the year wherein you can revel in your success. Give yourselves a pat on the back. But make sure you dont rest on your laurels.

What it means: Party now! ITs now or never!! You never know when I will change my mind. Doesnt mean you take frequent leaves, you still have to report to work tomorrow. Work your a**es even harder now.

Its an example of how well the company vision has been cascaded to all levels with your consent & participation.

What it means: We have successfully drilled our ideoloy into your minds with absolutely no room for your stupid questions. We dont care whether you like it or not. If you dont like anything, learn to respect your bosses' decisions and learn to accept stuff as it is.

The goals we have set are not easy. The pitfalls are many, the hurdles insurmountable and the market unpredicatble.

What it means: I cant guranatee that you will be on the payroll of the company for too long. You are so gonna be screwed, baby!

Its that time when the grains are seperated from the chaff; The strong from the weak.

What it means: Only the luckiest sons of b****es will survive, others will have to find a job pretty soon!

And the strongest indication of strength is the posession of knowledge, skill & attitude all at once. This is what distinguishes the best from the ordinary.

What it means: The training will transform you into those lucky sons of b****es!

Your process is quite critical to the sound functioning of the sector to meet the future business challenges.

What it means: what would I do without you?

Hence it becomes inevitable that you are equipped with the necessary skills to manage & design new,improved & robust processes & systems for superior business performance.

What it means: I dont dont what its all about but I want you all at the training

The HR training & development team have conceptualised & designed the program in a way that will appeal to all and take care of your on-the-job training lacunae, if any.

What it means: My boss has received a complaint from Sr.VP HR that you guys treat them quite shabbily. i am getting jacked for no fault of mine!

It will be a 5-day long residential training session in-line with your functional training requirements. It will serve as the necessary break to re-assess and introspect our approach

What it means: Geez..You guys are on a company-paid holiday for a week. So what if it is just 80 km from Mumbai, dont expect us to take you to the beaches of Bahamas.

If any person, for any particular reason has contraints in attending the program, he/she is free to meet any of us.

What it means: We dont like "No" for an answer. We dont care what problems you have in life or what the program is all about. We want 100% attendance.



Regards

Vish

Corporate culture - Part 1

There's more to work than just the desk,the PC, the heaps of files and documents,bosses,suppliers and the likes. Each day (day in office I mean) is an event in itself. but some things never change.I have ,quite flawlessly, managed to maintain my (unofficial) reporting time as 9 am ,every day; which is actually a very blatant, 15-min violation of the official time of 8.45 am. Without sounding proud or emphatic, I should say "its an art well mastered". Even in my wildest dreams, never have I fantasised myself swiping in at the official company time.

Just as I trudge into our posh, brightly-lit office, I am greeted by a half-filled office which makes me look like an early bird. Not surprising!!I give myself a pat on the back, mentally. Then the junta starts trickling in slowly but gradually. Some people wait with bated breath and count down seconds for the shrill 'breakfast' bell to ring at 9.30 which is a signal for everyone to put down everything before them and have a bite. A few minutes later, the 'breakfast' place strewn with samosa or 'bhajji' pieces and cups of tea resembles a battle-field thanks to some clumsy idiots who haven't been given a crash-course on eating properly.

As i make my way back to my place, to my right, I find 'Shaktimaan' seated comfortably in his place, typing away furiosuly on his lappie and debating hard with a supplier on a quote I guess . Shaktimaan (obviosuly not his original name) has been christened so because of his daunting, 'Salman'esque frame and a heavy walk to go with it. His (body-hugging) shirt looks like it could tear off any second due to his Popeye-like bulges. He is known to follow a very religious health regimen at the company gym despite his busy schedule. Shaktimaan's intimidating physique is enough to psyche out all his suppliers to the point of ' no more negotiations'. Shaktimaan in his new role has been buried under heaps of responsibility lately and he still plays mentor to 'Virus'.

'Virus', 'Viral fever', 'Tame tiger' whatever you say, points to just one person. Seated in the cubicle adjacent to shaktimaan, you are forgiven for mistaking him for a 8th grade school boy. He gives you that confused look that seems to suggest that he hasnt spoken for ages in an otherwise boisterous department. Some people even observed that the last time they heard him talk was when he had conducted the morning meeting on Monday, a good 2 months ago. He is the junior-most addition to the department and touted to be the dept's bright future.

"Viral" shouts Shaktimaan and gives him the 'khunnas' look as if he would bash him up then n there. Viral gets up with a start, half startled by the sudden call of duty. Shaktimaan asks Viral for a blow-by-blow account of the activities which he was supposed to complete just like a school headmaster asking a child the status of the previous day's homework. Viral apprises him accordingly. Shaktimaan gives him the 'satisfied' look and along with it a few words of wisdom. Viral then starts off work in his trademark fashion which appears like a slow-motion sequence from a movie; be it removing a file from his shelf or typing a mail. I meanwhile, manage to wave a quick 'Hi' to Viral.

Sai Baba looks on, as he sees Shaktimaan sounding some instructions to Viral. Baba is amused to the core. This morning he has carved out a special look moustache like one of those heavily-loaded telugu movie stars. Baba is famous for his versatile cooking skills which could put any living female to shame. Easily one of the most shrewed guys around, he is one capable of arranging a training session on notoreity ("jhol" as we call it). He can be heard giving the supplier an earful. But the catch here being that he doesnt distinguish between genders and that sounds awfully confusing to the listener.

"Sir, tere ko pata nahi target date kab hain. Material kab laayegi?
Material kabhi aayegi. AAyegi ki nahi aayegi?" (Pauses)..
"Tu mere ko commitment date do" (Bangs the receiver into the resting position, sits expressionless).

A cubicle even further away is 'Yogi' who has worn a'happy' look this morning due to the absence of his boss who literally 'stares him in the face' while at work. He dials he number and as the voice answers he starts of in customary fashion.

" Hello? Hasmukh bhaai..main yogi baat kar raha hoon... Aaaj kya banaa raha hain?? Achcha theek hain, 200 piece bhej do."

Kya bana rahaa hain??? Now, What kind of a question is that supposed to be??? It would have made sense had he posted the same query to the halwaai-waalaaa or the roadside chaat-waalaa after seeing the menu-card.
Anyways,Yogi seems to float around in a world of his own completely unmindful of what is happening around him. He is perhaps the tallest guy in the whole of the company and the primary target of all his banter is his immediate neighbour 'Saab' and 'cheerleader'.

Saab is a part of a very rare species which is a combination of a metallurgy and an MBA degree in marketing. Formally dressed, bespectacled, oily hair side-parted to perfection to the smallest micron and an aura of a scholarly saintliness. And then you realize why the name is 'Saab'. Hearing him speak, you cant help but wonder if he was actually paid to sell ideas or really outrageous fundaas. People are still willing to bet their money on what his responsibility in the organization actually is. But for the moment, he is seen as the partner-in-crime to none other than 'Bala'.

Then suddenely the momentary silence is interrupted by a very familiar female voice.
"Chalo, Lunch..Lunch ke liye jaate hain."

Enter the cheerleader!
The outdoor expeditions and picnics that she is part of earn much more coverage than her office work. Infact there are times when you can see her working too. Although she wouldnt admit, but her fetish for a lean figure makes sure she counts the number of grains of rice on her plate. C'mon, a lone chapati hardly qualifies as 'lunch'! And she ponders over it for ages till it begs and cries to be eaten.
Her fervent calls for coffee breaks in the late afternoons have dwindled somewhat in recent times. Her flirtatious exchanges with 'Saab' are a notable feature, but Saab appears too busy (with what??) and steadfast to fall for it.

As the clock strikes 6, the cheerleader is the first to pack up what looks like a shopping bag. The others pretend as if they are still enagaged in 'important' work (some really are). By 7.30, the whole office wears an empty look.

And you thought it was just about work!!

Regards

Vish

In(tro)duction-2

Nasik is a weird city..Its a complete contrast to mumbai. The people, their lifestyle, the cool weather and lots of other stuff (except off course the pot- holed roads in some parts which are a trademark feature of mumbai). Everyone there seems to own a car; at least an indica. And I never saw a single signal there, forget traffic jams!
We had 40 odd days on our hands to make the most of our stay in the city. My day began at 6.30 (yes!daily!).A hostleler's nightmare as you may call it! I would be woken up by a sudden knock on the door. The funniest part being that I still havent figured out who used to do it..probably one of the "other" room guys. Fact is I never really gave a damn as long as the person regularly kept waking me up on time. Our induction seesions were scheduled at 8 am each day and the company bus would ferry us half n hour in advance so that we could swipe our I-cards in time before the rush started.
The first week was a bit of a pain although we were given 2 shirts and a bag and the "T-shirt and jeans" dress-code was enforced till we got our uniforms. they called it the senior management week as all the VPs, Sr. VPs,Heads..blah blah from each function( HR, Finance,marketing, product development..see i remember things) addressed us with fundoo powerpoint presentations which failed to make any sense to us. There are times u feel the company wastes its precious moolah giving these intelectual blabbermouths fat pay packets. But then these are the blokes who conceptualise. They work out the way ahead for the company ,which is something very important.
The common mantra in their "feel good" presentations being "You are the young,dynamic minds,brimming with knowledge who have entered the industry when the india story is just unfolding and rising. You are really fortunate. We wish we were 30 yrs younger so that we could be in your place". One just got the feeling that these big dudes had copied each others presentations the previous night ,just like engineering students copied assignments.

Ya right! Bright, young minds (I have heard that before, the first day at engg college when someone called us that in his speech)! They wanted to project us as the privileged lot in order to create an "I-am-soo-jealous-of-you" atmosphere. Crap! Utter crap! Why would a Sr.VP wish to be an engineer in the first place? Anyways,each day was packed with 3 breaks (morning tea- sumptuous lunch- snack n tea) and 4 senior management talks. Each of them spoke as if they had a vacancy awaiting us in their departments and we just had to pick n choose. Being a perennial back-bencher by default and design I slept through a few sessions(at times waking up my immediate neighbours by snoring loudly). Such sessions also help bring out the best drawing talents( mostly in the back rows). The funniest(and most eagerly awaited) part of these sessions was the "Audience Queries'" phase which followed the presentations. A thousand hands would go up and the poor guy on stage would be at the recieving end of a barrage of outrageously stupid questions.
Some of them which could be touted as automatic entries into the guiness book of records for the "World's Most stupid query"
Girl to the marketing VP:
"Sir, I think the Tv commercial you are showing is not very nice.It is not telling anythng about the product. It only focuses on the man and woman in the helicopter.(Lady, he knows his job better than you)

" Sir,thank you for the wonderful talk. I just wanted to ask what is the greenfield project you talked about. Is it the name you gave to your new environment-friendly plant." (Give me a break!!)

Even better:
Guy to the HR head
" Sir, do we have any chance of a overseas posting."
"Yes u do, Zambia! Nice country, nice people"

The ultimate:
" Sir,I am really very happy with your talk and I enjoyed it (??). I dont have any question in mind. I want to work with this company for entire life.



Regards

Vishwesh

In(tro)duction

Its been a li'l over 2 months since i last saw the blogger dashboard. It just goes to show that just about anybody in this world can be kept busy and starved for time. (Infact some people politely enquired whether i had forgotten by blogger password or how to blog.)
But an eventful 2 months its been. So much so that even a blog freak like me cant decide where to start frm.
I joined my new company in mid-august in nasik, a place 180 km frm mumbai. This was the place where we were scheduled to have our induction programme. The company was kind enough to e-mail me the details of the place, the contact nos,general info about the location to ensure that i wasnt stuck in the middle of nowhere. Even before the e-mails, the company sent a series of letters (one of them a 'feel-good' letter addressed to my parents on me being one of the lucky ones to join their company ,which moved my father...hehehe)
I got off at the specified address (wasnt much of a pain). It was a spacious bunglow-type house with a plush lawn outside).Light music played on FM, creating an atmosphere of serenity n comfort. Coffee and tea vending machines were there on offer.All of these much needed after a (believe-it-or-not) 5 hr ride frm mumbai to nasik(courtesy a nasty, bumpy road and a toppled tanker).

"Ah ha!!So this is where i m gonna be put up during my stay over here" i thought.
My details were carefully checked ,cross-checked and matched like DNA samples; first by a guy who held a 'fresh trainees' manual in hand and another who had our details on his PC.
"Oh, congrats! U are the first in the list. Do you know you are the first trainee recruited by our company this year!" (Great! As if being the first in the list would entitle me to additional salary benefits.).
I smiled, as if to say " Oh, It was nothing really."
I was asked for a photo of mine and within ninutes i was handed a sheet of paper. To my horror i discovered that this plush bungalow wasnt where i was supposed to stay.It was just the company guest house. The place of stay was in the sheet of paper(an apartment they had said).
Besides me there were 3-4 other trainees. One who's face resembled that of a sacrificial lamb, yet another one who was attempting to look cool in
wacky jeans, most of them with anxiety clearly written all over their faces
After having made sure i was done with the details,i sat on the sofa and helped myself to some tea
A well-dressed man, cell in hand, entered the 'bungalow'and shook hands with me and spoke to all of us in a tone which most people reserve for new tiny-tots who r all crying-crying on their first day at school.

"HR guy!"i thought. Isnt that their job, making u feel at home even in the middle of Sahara desert.
A van waited outside for us to ferry us to our location. We gasped n grunted in pushing(shoving) our suitcases inside it.After a 10 km travel (i presume).. we reached the place. It was a fine 3-storey building with flats.
Me and a guy from rajasthan named dheeraj(whom i had met in the guest house) were put up in a room. The other room in the same flat was shared by a guy from mumbai(venky) and a guy from orissa(suprit). It dint take me long to realise that Dheeraj was the show-off kind who wouldnt waste an opportunity to publicise himself. Venky was the typical home-grown kid who grumbled and cribbed about stuff while suprit was our master story-teller who could make do with anything. He had done his share of india trotting. He was a Bong who had lived in different places and had experienced things which ordinary mortals only dreamt of. And this meant he had lots to talk about. There where 24 other trainees in the building. The ground floor had the common room where we would assemble for breakfast, lunch and dinner and each floor had a TV set.
Our caretaker was a thin, wiry guy called mahadev who wore a dirty orange uniform who would address each of us as "Sirji". We introduced ourselves and got to know each other well.This was our home for the next 40 days and we hoped everything would go on fine.

Regards

Vishwesh