Sunday, March 20, 2011
Changu was over the moon. He had Group discusion & Personal interview (GD & PI) calls from 7 of the 26 prestigious Bharatiya Institutes of Management (BIMs). But out of the 7 calls he had set his eyes on the 3 BIMs which he thought were a cut above the rest; BIM Jhumritalaya (BIM J), BIM Gorakhpur (BIM G), BIM Kolhapur (BIM K) (BIMs).
Accolades & greetings poured in from all quarters. His cellphone hadn't stopped ringing since last Monday. He felt like a true celebrity now. "Kaveri amma", the woman who lived next door in their village in remote UP (not visible on google earth), wanted tips on how she could train her 8-yr old 'Banku' for CAT2030. Tired & out of breath from his new-found celeb status, he fell on his bed a exhausted but satisfied man.
As he recollected his conversations on phone, one did catch his fancy. That of his girlfriend of 4 yrs, Changini. Of course there were minor differences between them, when she thought he gave more attention to the CAT than her. His marathon run of 5 CAT exams dint do him any favours. Now he had redeemed himself. Not 1 or 2 but 7 calls. " Now let's see what she says!" he said to himself with a wicked smile on his lips.
He had spoken to her the day before and noted with silent excitement that she would be alone for the next couple of days. It would be a perfect time to drop in at her place for a dinner date and much more.
But contrary to the ideas he had for the late evening at her house, a heated discusion on marriage followed.
Changu) Why dont u marry me? Damn u, I love you darling.
Changini) You haven't passed by short-list criteria.
Changu) WTF is dat?
Changini)I have spelled it out here on my blogpage. Who whoever passes the marriage shortlist criteria and scores a perfect 50 overall gets me.
She takes out her lappie and types in her blog-address which has her shortlist criteria. But the page refuses to open.
Mangu) Why doesnt the damn page open?
Manka) Too much net-traffic. Many of them are accessing it at once.Its been like this for the past couple of days.
Finally, the page opens displaying a lot of numbers.
Mangu) (Shell-shocked look on his face)What is that?
Manka) Those are the weightages for the individual component for the short-listing.
Boy) Components?? I thought I just had to love you.
Girl) No. you got it wrong. Look (She prints out the page and shows it to him.)
It reads as follows:
Changini's "husband" admission criteria
A total of 20 candidates will be shortlisted. Out of this, one very capable (rich,muscular,cute,loving,blah,blah1..) candidate wil be chosen as my husband. There are no reservations because I dont give a damn about a man's caste. All men are the same!! If you got a shock reading the first 3 lines, I advise you to read no further. Its gonna be equally atrocious (fair).
Criteria 1: Orientation (10%)
The applicant is male. (2 %)
..who is straight (5 %)
..straight with 1 or more relationships. (Pervert kahin kaa! 1 %)
.. straight with no relationships at all. (Get urself checked. 1 %)
..who would look at me even with beautiful women around (7 %)
Criteria 2: Family (10%)
Male with no siblings 4 marks
Male with pesky elder sister (2 marks beacuse we are not allowed to give negative marks)
Male with a younger bro/sis who can be bossed around (6 marks)
Male with a younger bro/sis and a mom who can be pushed around like hell
Male with a mom who watches the hindi soaps daily from 2pm - 10 pm (Pls dont bother to apply. This is keeping in mind the hazardous effect of such serials which spread their anti-bahu propaganda.)
Criteria 3: Salary ( 30% weightage)
A take-home of 50,000/month (4%)
A take home of 1,00,000/ month (4%)
A take-home of 3,00,000/month (4%)
A take-home of 4,00,00/ annum (screw you! You wont be considered even if you satisfy the other crietria.)
If you are baffled that the same weightage (4%) is given to different salary groups; please note "IT IS NOT A FLAW". It just proves that we are never satisfied with whatever you earn.
Criteria 4: Looks (25%)
Arjun Rampal look-alike (25%)
All others with clean-shaven, disgusting, non-celeb looks(5%)
Geeks (keep off!)
Criteria 5: Household & other chores (12.5%)
Cooking + Taking care of our kids (not more than 2 of them!)+ washing & drying clothes (10%)
All the above and someone who doesn't mind carrying my shopping bag all over the mall and books the "Super-wednesday" show at the multiplex every week. (12.5%)
Only One or none of the above (0%)
Criteria 6: socializing & entertainment (12.5%)
Sings like Enrique + Guitarist + dances like Hrithik + can make me dance and someone who parties at least thrice a week (12.5%)
Other non-happening losers (Go get a life!)
The other 50% weightage would be would be for a "very personal interview" (VPI) which will include a dinner date at the Taj by the poolside. Its obvious about the bill payments, you dont have to wait for me to settle it. I am sure you are courteous enough.
And dont get any ideas during the VPI! If you try to get dirty I'll make your life miserable.
Learn how to behave with women.
Changu: Wat about love? I dont see it anywhere in your final criteria..WTF?
Changini: Oh ya! Forgot to tell you. It is used only to short-list for the very personal interviews (VPI). After that everyone is on an even keel. I have to be fair to everyone na, darling?
He bangs his head against the wall.
He realized that getting GDPI calls from 7 BIMs and converting them wasnt as tough a battle as this one.