'Maru'vellous

Page 220 of Changu's 300 page biography, A Best seller (to the chaat-waalahs in mumbai)

Nov-mid:(Somewhere, in some part of the country, in some B-school campus. which is not necessarily your's - Disclaimer )

Changu waited outside with bated breath and sweaty palms, awaiting his turn for the next interview. The Cluster-1 tension and nervous energy was palpable and beginning to show on the faces of all 10 people sitting beside him, competing with him for the same company. Nothing from the dress-rehearsal interviews would have matched up to this pressure of expectations today. The firm was the most preferred recruiter on campus. Their India operation was based out of Chennai and they were into the niche area of Tea technology and consulting. They had dethroned Big "Mc". No marks for guessing who they were. They were none other than "Maru T Stall group" or Big Maru as was referred in the college lingo over the years.

"Mr. Changu, Please come in " called out a man politely, sticking his head outside the room. As Changu entered the room, the fresh aroma of Tea gripped and flirted with his nose. There were 2 persons inside. Both of whom had come down to the campus 3 weeks ago to give their pre-placement talk. Changu recognized one of the founders as Maru T. His's mind took the quick kitkat break and soon a flash-back followed.

4 weeks back:

Notice on the placement site:

Big Maru ,the very popular group is here for major roles. Please feel free to ask questions since this would be instrumental in getting strategic roles for us in tea-making.
Time: 4:00-6:00 pm
Dress Code: Lungi

The co-ordinator at the PPT opened the PPT (for the 52nd time) with: "Hi, today we have with us our most preferred recruiter, Maru T group on campus. Hope you will know a thing or 2 from him about tea stalls. Without further ado, I hand over charge to Maru.

Maru T,then, had stepped in to give probably the most 'senti' and inspiring speech ever heard in the history of the college placements.
He had been advised that all Classrooms were no-smoking zones, which robbed the audience off the heroic cigarette-flicking act of Maru. Nevertheless, they witnessed his goggle-wearing act which drew huge cheers and whistles from the audience. Then followed the speech which has every soul in tears. (even the placement committee member had thrown away his 'absent & penalty' register and started to sob).

Maru: "Friends, I had a very humble beginning like most of you, no IIT tag, no CFA level achievements, no high-flying GPAs etc. I was here 22 years back, at the very same place as you, attending some god-forsaken PPT like all of you are doing right now and completing my Marketing Assignment sheet. Alas, I was caught and fined a princely sum of Rs 500. I did not have the money then to pay the fine but that did not deter me from gaining expertise in my 'cogg'nitive skills.
I could not open simple T-accounts in Financial accounting for DEBIT and CREDIT. But 22 years hence, I advise people on opening million-dollar Tea accounts.
I did not study marketing but I can position well.
I was always the subject of cold-calling in all Probability & Statistics classes. Today I decide probabilities and nullify hypothesis.
I decided one fine day, to start a company whose valuations would equal all the fine penalties I have paid so far.

I know each of you is aspiring to be a Maru T. We ourselves need young and fresh minds (and hands) in tea making. So if u have it in you, our doors and stalls are open. Any questions?

(His talk was interrupted by his mobile which rang twice. His ringtone was the remixed version of the retro-hit " Maru T, r u with me?".


A hand went up. It was a chick.
"Sir, what makes you come to work daily?"

Maru: WTF... What randomness and globe is this?? This is not an 'organizational dynamics' class. (Signalling to his side-kick) Please don't shortlist her.

Tsunami Jr. was itching to ask a question. "Sir, what is the selection procedure like?"
Maru: Good question. Our criterion is passion and excitement of wanting to become a Maru T. If you don’t exhibit it, I am sorry this is not the place for you.
Our choice is simple – The candidate should not exhibit characteristics of a Day-1’er.

A week later, after the ppt, the shortlists were out. Around 20 of them had got through. There was disappointment galore among many others at not being able to make it. Changu was beaming with joy. He was one among the 20 and was overjoyed!

At the interview:
Maru: "Sit down" he said. Unlke most interviewers whose standard favourite was "Tell me about urself" he asked " So what are your hobbies/interests?"

Changu: "Err… Sir. Giving CAT, filling up multiple CVs, uploading them, sending them to companies, filling up company forms and awaiting shortlists.

Maru looked stunned.


To be continued...

"V"ivacious

It felt like any other Saturday except for the fact that there was something special in the offing. After a few busy weeks,the plan to meet "V" was to materialize.
I address her as "V" since her parents like mine did not believe in the principle of KISS ("keeping it short n sweet") while naming her. The location for our rendezvous this time was conveniently chosen as R-City, an amazingly large mall very well-known in the eastern suburb environs of Ghatkopar which is equidistant from our respective homes. I dint mind it one bit - "V" was spot-on in her choice of locations.

As luck would have it, the scheduled time of 3.30 pm could not be honoured by both of us. I made my way into the mall quite obscenely decorated with flashy designs which resembled stockings with color all around and flags fluttering at the entrance. Perspiration poured out just like water from over-flooded reservoirs & it covered my forehead each time I wiped it clean; No! it wasnt the thought of meeting "V" that made me perspire but the summer was taking full toll of me.
Having reached there by 4 and unable to find her, I felt a mini sense of victory thinking I had reached earlier than her. I dialled her number only to hear from her that she has reached a good 10-minutes ago and in one of the floors upstairs scouting for potential shopping hot-spots.

She dint mind my late attendance as she was busy indulging herself in the feminine hobby of "checking" out the costliest dresses on the 1st floor. She instantly located me through the unusually sparse Saturday crowd while still on the call. She had a earphone dangling out from a ear which begged for more music.
Today she had worn a lovely grey T with a black "over-dress" and black pants which made her look slimmer though I dint admit. Her hair fell neat on her shoulders. "V" flashed her 100-watt 'welcome mister' smile which could have brought the crowd to a grinding halt if not for their frenzied window-shoppping. We dint stop too.

We made our way up to the food-court as I checked out the heavily-decked men's suitings stores, electronic shops, fun & gaming zones, till we reached upstairs. There's something about "V" which serves as the source of stamina for her to talk endlessly unless interrupted, unmindful of where we are. Today she sounded really fresh despite the sveltering heat outside. Maybe a transfer of energy-levels from her to me could restore some equality, I thought.

I could sense that a part of her wanted to rush to the ladies' garment section given a chance since she had only half-checked it thanks to my sudden call. "V" ranted, rather apologetically, about how shopping for her sister (Read " shopping with her sister") was still unfinished business as per her. Its official: Girls cant resist splurging which they seldom admit.

Her thoughts snapped once we reached the food-court which was housed in a very large area on the toop-floor which also has the multiplex. We spotted a small table bang in the centre of the food-court. "V" is a die-hard sucker for filter-coffee thanks to her typical south-indian (tamil)upbringing in Mumbai. My dislike for coffee, quite a known fact by now,dint bother her; we sat down with 2 refreshing cups of masala chai and lots of talk.
"V" had started off on her rich agenda of topics and shot point-blank as usual. No, it wasnt about our MBA class pursuits. We had long got over class mock-tests, CAT/XAT/SNAP scores, percantiles, after-class sessions and other such pains in life. In-fact one of this very pains was the reason we had reached till this very point. "V" is a girl smart & sharp enough to handle almost anything in life except for her math abilities which is a perennial weakness and a big pain for her.

I have often wondered if only there was an extra section of witty remarks/sarcastic humour in each of these exams, she would top them all hands-down. Nevertheless, unlike most females , she made no bones of her weaknesses.She was happy about my B-school calls and I couldnt help thinking that a day with her would prepare me well for all possible GDs & PIs.

Chairs around us changes, people came and went, people at the counters changed but we remained deep-rooted in our seats. Time n again, V would push her hair back from her face and scan the entire food-court for any potential irritants ( her office colleagues, friends who stay closeby) to be absolutely sure there eas no eavesdropping.
"V's" free-flowing ability to talk and talk non-stop at length & speed, describing every minute/miniscule detail of time (till seconds),place,person (physical descriptions included), emotion and her ever-expanding memory can put a Pentium-5 microprocessor to shame.
Some of our engrossing talks centred around:

. Her mother's recent efforts to fatten her up and repeated comments on her waistlines from every quarter in her family. My jokes on her maintaining a supposed "size zero" frame were met with the same retorts of " I wont listen to anybody" as she mused over her cup of masala tea wshing for it to become invisible.

. One of her Chembur office managers whom she had just spotted a few tables away digging into a big sandwich. Not surprisingly she had "kind" words for her.

. Her favourite red dress which got oil-soaked accidentally which meant 400 bucks down the drain. (I expressed my desire for a kitchen cleaning cloth which attracted a stare and some sarcasm from her.)

. Her bestest friend "K" & "K's" boyfriend whom I had, by now, picturized as a person on the "to-be-met" list.

. Her dear cousins whom we have conveniently re-chirstened as "Katrina" & "Akki" respectively.

. Her new black bag which instantly attracted my attention even though I am no critic on women's accessories.

. Her dad (Took a major chunk of our time. Her tea had gone cold. Mine empty)

. Her work. (she audits people)

. IPL (Surprise, surprise?? Not a bit..she sees it for Rohit Sharma though my offers to buy his posters for her room were met with strong rejections.)

. Refreshing good old memories of the past 5 months (No, it wasnt doubt-clearing sessions on quadratic equations)

After almost 4 hrs which passed by unnoticed, we were thoroughly exhausted; she from the talking & I from the listening.
One of "V's" fervent complaints is that most people dont listen, they just hear. Point taken Sir. I did perform my duties well today. I mentally gave myself a pat on the back for the achievement.

Proof of the listening?? You just read it , mate !!


Regards


Vish

Deciphering corporate lingo

Its actually quite a puzzle to figure out what goes on in the minds of the top bosses of an organization. When the going is good, its supposed to be everyone's company and when its bad its my company and i kick u out. Weird huh??. Its during these "going good" times that the HR chips in with their quota of training-cum-competency development programmes. Moe often than not, these sessions are packed in the final weeks of the fiscal year when the HR dept eventually break their yr long slumber.
One such training session was spread over a whole week for the 1st week of march. It was one "designed" to sharpen & give shape to our already existing skills since it was supposed to be essential for "superior business performance to leverage the stregnths." There is something to the current fiscal status of a company and the discovery & use of new hi-fi management jargons. The relation is a very direct one would agree. An evidence for this was the very fromal mail for this training session. The mail for the training wasn't short of a wedding invitation although no one was willing to bet on whether it would be as enjoyable as one.It looked as if the Oxford dictionary had worked overtime for the mail and with its outrageous sprinkling of management fundas it sounded like a subtle. Some snippets:

The giant strides of progress we have made are in line with our larger goals for the next 5 years to meet our custemers latent desires.

What it means: We made 4 lac nos., we sold 3.8 lac nos. Not bad!! Next time make sure everything is pushed well into the market.

The fruits of success have finally begun to ripen. The architects of these herculean achievements are undoubtedly all of you. You have made yourselves & and your company proud.

What it means: Damn! i cant belive it! you guys managed to sell it all. How on earth did u do it??

We have achievements tremendous growth in sales & valuations despite the turbulent scenario, the skewed exchange rates, the volatile interest rates (some more rates). But we still shouldnt be happy!

What it means: You did good. ..Doesnt mean you ask for a raise. You wont get any. Remember what Lord krishna told arjuna in the Gita!

It that time of the year wherein you can revel in your success. Give yourselves a pat on the back. But make sure you dont rest on your laurels.

What it means: Party now! ITs now or never!! You never know when I will change my mind. Doesnt mean you take frequent leaves, you still have to report to work tomorrow. Work your a**es even harder now.

Its an example of how well the company vision has been cascaded to all levels with your consent & participation.

What it means: We have successfully drilled our ideoloy into your minds with absolutely no room for your stupid questions. We dont care whether you like it or not. If you dont like anything, learn to respect your bosses' decisions and learn to accept stuff as it is.

The goals we have set are not easy. The pitfalls are many, the hurdles insurmountable and the market unpredicatble.

What it means: I cant guranatee that you will be on the payroll of the company for too long. You are so gonna be screwed, baby!

Its that time when the grains are seperated from the chaff; The strong from the weak.

What it means: Only the luckiest sons of b****es will survive, others will have to find a job pretty soon!

And the strongest indication of strength is the posession of knowledge, skill & attitude all at once. This is what distinguishes the best from the ordinary.

What it means: The training will transform you into those lucky sons of b****es!

Your process is quite critical to the sound functioning of the sector to meet the future business challenges.

What it means: what would I do without you?

Hence it becomes inevitable that you are equipped with the necessary skills to manage & design new,improved & robust processes & systems for superior business performance.

What it means: I dont dont what its all about but I want you all at the training

The HR training & development team have conceptualised & designed the program in a way that will appeal to all and take care of your on-the-job training lacunae, if any.

What it means: My boss has received a complaint from Sr.VP HR that you guys treat them quite shabbily. i am getting jacked for no fault of mine!

It will be a 5-day long residential training session in-line with your functional training requirements. It will serve as the necessary break to re-assess and introspect our approach

What it means: Geez..You guys are on a company-paid holiday for a week. So what if it is just 80 km from Mumbai, dont expect us to take you to the beaches of Bahamas.

If any person, for any particular reason has contraints in attending the program, he/she is free to meet any of us.

What it means: We dont like "No" for an answer. We dont care what problems you have in life or what the program is all about. We want 100% attendance.



Regards

Vish