Sunday, March 14, 2010

Deciphering corporate lingo

Its actually quite a puzzle to figure out what goes on in the minds of the top bosses of an organization. When the going is good, its supposed to be everyone's company and when its bad its my company and i kick u out. Weird huh??. Its during these "going good" times that the HR chips in with their quota of training-cum-competency development programmes. Moe often than not, these sessions are packed in the final weeks of the fiscal year when the HR dept eventually break their yr long slumber.
One such training session was spread over a whole week for the 1st week of march. It was one "designed" to sharpen & give shape to our already existing skills since it was supposed to be essential for "superior business performance to leverage the stregnths." There is something to the current fiscal status of a company and the discovery & use of new hi-fi management jargons. The relation is a very direct one would agree. An evidence for this was the very fromal mail for this training session. The mail for the training wasn't short of a wedding invitation although no one was willing to bet on whether it would be as enjoyable as one.It looked as if the Oxford dictionary had worked overtime for the mail and with its outrageous sprinkling of management fundas it sounded like a subtle. Some snippets:

The giant strides of progress we have made are in line with our larger goals for the next 5 years to meet our custemers latent desires.

What it means: We made 4 lac nos., we sold 3.8 lac nos. Not bad!! Next time make sure everything is pushed well into the market.

The fruits of success have finally begun to ripen. The architects of these herculean achievements are undoubtedly all of you. You have made yourselves & and your company proud.

What it means: Damn! i cant belive it! you guys managed to sell it all. How on earth did u do it??

We have achievements tremendous growth in sales & valuations despite the turbulent scenario, the skewed exchange rates, the volatile interest rates (some more rates). But we still shouldnt be happy!

What it means: You did good. ..Doesnt mean you ask for a raise. You wont get any. Remember what Lord krishna told arjuna in the Gita!

It that time of the year wherein you can revel in your success. Give yourselves a pat on the back. But make sure you dont rest on your laurels.

What it means: Party now! ITs now or never!! You never know when I will change my mind. Doesnt mean you take frequent leaves, you still have to report to work tomorrow. Work your a**es even harder now.

Its an example of how well the company vision has been cascaded to all levels with your consent & participation.

What it means: We have successfully drilled our ideoloy into your minds with absolutely no room for your stupid questions. We dont care whether you like it or not. If you dont like anything, learn to respect your bosses' decisions and learn to accept stuff as it is.

The goals we have set are not easy. The pitfalls are many, the hurdles insurmountable and the market unpredicatble.

What it means: I cant guranatee that you will be on the payroll of the company for too long. You are so gonna be screwed, baby!

Its that time when the grains are seperated from the chaff; The strong from the weak.

What it means: Only the luckiest sons of b****es will survive, others will have to find a job pretty soon!

And the strongest indication of strength is the posession of knowledge, skill & attitude all at once. This is what distinguishes the best from the ordinary.

What it means: The training will transform you into those lucky sons of b****es!

Your process is quite critical to the sound functioning of the sector to meet the future business challenges.

What it means: what would I do without you?

Hence it becomes inevitable that you are equipped with the necessary skills to manage & design new,improved & robust processes & systems for superior business performance.

What it means: I dont dont what its all about but I want you all at the training

The HR training & development team have conceptualised & designed the program in a way that will appeal to all and take care of your on-the-job training lacunae, if any.

What it means: My boss has received a complaint from Sr.VP HR that you guys treat them quite shabbily. i am getting jacked for no fault of mine!

It will be a 5-day long residential training session in-line with your functional training requirements. It will serve as the necessary break to re-assess and introspect our approach

What it means: Geez..You guys are on a company-paid holiday for a week. So what if it is just 80 km from Mumbai, dont expect us to take you to the beaches of Bahamas.

If any person, for any particular reason has contraints in attending the program, he/she is free to meet any of us.

What it means: We dont like "No" for an answer. We dont care what problems you have in life or what the program is all about. We want 100% attendance.