Travel-logs

Despite my long (self-imposed) exile from blogger.com and the growing concerns over whether I can still write, I finally did make it to the blog-o-sphere. (lol..Now, dat did sound as dramatic as a cricketer making a comeback after an injury). It had been a hectic 2 weeks for sure,not surprisingly since travel has become as much a part of my schedule as brushing.
3 days of a jam-packed schedule & travel in Chennai, covering the length & breadth of the city did ensure I had known enough to give the locals directions to avoid traffic snarls. A non-Chennaite (a non-tamil, as many saw me)like me, pronouncing 14-20 lettered tongue-twisters (Read: names of different landmarks in Chennai) with ease and guiding people was a bit of a shock & shame for many. Thats always been the case here.
In sharp contrast to my past trips which lacked any sense of planning(the ones I have got accustomed to), this one was well-planned. Well planned, in our home terminology,meant booking the travel tickets and letting my father know abt the destination 2 days in advance.
My father had been so overjoyed I thought he would offer a coconut to the temple deity for pumping some sense into me. He thought I had turned over a new leaf.

" My God, thats a whole lot of travel!" he observed with an air of pessimism as i gave him a brief of my itinerary. True, it had been pouring all over Tamil Nadu for the past 3 days; but my development work too wouldnt stop pouring.
The next morning was filled with sights which had become much too similar now: security guards, women decked in colorful "uniform"-sarees & tons of make-up (Needs some taking to invest time to look good at 5:00 am). The guards were loaded with guns and the women with artificial greeting smiles.
People rushed about to their respective gates as bright lights lit the area around. A buzz to go with it. There is something about the airport that brings about a drastic change in the way people behave. Or is it just us Indians! The enormous sense of discipline, hygiene & grooming means much more to us.

Ever observed the "denim" aunties in their mid-40s who seem like an overdose of botox, with goggles on, looking the other way and lapping the meagre attention with the corner of their eyes? Or the junior executive who has donned a borrowed blazer, looking at his swatch with unnecessary urgency & frenzy. Or the marketing manager of a company spelling out orders on his Blackberry with an air of sophistication, anticipating a delayed departure. Truly, we are podium-finishers at the Olympic of deception, if there was one!

As I was just about do give a silent kudos to myself and all fellow-indians when a big burly man in a swanky 'Armani'jumped the security queue and kept walking along as his costly perfume followed. He was too occupied on his bluetooth to realise that there were 10 other men ahead of him waiting for their turn.
I finally settled down in a seat in the boarding area as I saw a couple argue with the "Maggi" counter fellow for charging exorbitant rates for a cuppa. Maybe the fact he served them with hand-gloves and gave them extra sachets of ketchup dint impress them enough to part away with a 100 bucks.

" Flight 164 is delayed by 20 min due to bad traffic conditions. The new departure time stands at 5.30 am. We sincerely apologize for the inconvenience caused to the passengers due to the delay." came the announcement; although the jolly tone didn't exactly sound like one meant for an apology.
I took off my floaters,unbuttoned a bit and sat comfortably on the seat with my feet folded as the lady seated opposite me gave a slight "shameless bugger" frown.

Regards

Vish

Deciphering corporate lingo

Its actually quite a puzzle to figure out what goes on in the minds of the top bosses of an organization. When the going is good, its supposed to be everyone's company and when its bad its my company and i kick u out. Weird huh??. Its during these "going good" times that the HR chips in with their quota of training-cum-competency development programmes. Moe often than not, these sessions are packed in the final weeks of the fiscal year when the HR dept eventually break their yr long slumber.
One such training session was spread over a whole week for the 1st week of march. It was one "designed" to sharpen & give shape to our already existing skills since it was supposed to be essential for "superior business performance to leverage the stregnths." There is something to the current fiscal status of a company and the discovery & use of new hi-fi management jargons. The relation is a very direct one would agree. An evidence for this was the very fromal mail for this training session. The mail for the training wasn't short of a wedding invitation although no one was willing to bet on whether it would be as enjoyable as one.It looked as if the Oxford dictionary had worked overtime for the mail and with its outrageous sprinkling of management fundas it sounded like a subtle. Some snippets:

The giant strides of progress we have made are in line with our larger goals for the next 5 years to meet our custemers latent desires.

What it means: We made 4 lac nos., we sold 3.8 lac nos. Not bad!! Next time make sure everything is pushed well into the market.

The fruits of success have finally begun to ripen. The architects of these herculean achievements are undoubtedly all of you. You have made yourselves & and your company proud.

What it means: Damn! i cant belive it! you guys managed to sell it all. How on earth did u do it??

We have achievements tremendous growth in sales & valuations despite the turbulent scenario, the skewed exchange rates, the volatile interest rates (some more rates). But we still shouldnt be happy!

What it means: You did good. ..Doesnt mean you ask for a raise. You wont get any. Remember what Lord krishna told arjuna in the Gita!

It that time of the year wherein you can revel in your success. Give yourselves a pat on the back. But make sure you dont rest on your laurels.

What it means: Party now! ITs now or never!! You never know when I will change my mind. Doesnt mean you take frequent leaves, you still have to report to work tomorrow. Work your a**es even harder now.

Its an example of how well the company vision has been cascaded to all levels with your consent & participation.

What it means: We have successfully drilled our ideoloy into your minds with absolutely no room for your stupid questions. We dont care whether you like it or not. If you dont like anything, learn to respect your bosses' decisions and learn to accept stuff as it is.

The goals we have set are not easy. The pitfalls are many, the hurdles insurmountable and the market unpredicatble.

What it means: I cant guranatee that you will be on the payroll of the company for too long. You are so gonna be screwed, baby!

Its that time when the grains are seperated from the chaff; The strong from the weak.

What it means: Only the luckiest sons of b****es will survive, others will have to find a job pretty soon!

And the strongest indication of strength is the posession of knowledge, skill & attitude all at once. This is what distinguishes the best from the ordinary.

What it means: The training will transform you into those lucky sons of b****es!

Your process is quite critical to the sound functioning of the sector to meet the future business challenges.

What it means: what would I do without you?

Hence it becomes inevitable that you are equipped with the necessary skills to manage & design new,improved & robust processes & systems for superior business performance.

What it means: I dont dont what its all about but I want you all at the training

The HR training & development team have conceptualised & designed the program in a way that will appeal to all and take care of your on-the-job training lacunae, if any.

What it means: My boss has received a complaint from Sr.VP HR that you guys treat them quite shabbily. i am getting jacked for no fault of mine!

It will be a 5-day long residential training session in-line with your functional training requirements. It will serve as the necessary break to re-assess and introspect our approach

What it means: Geez..You guys are on a company-paid holiday for a week. So what if it is just 80 km from Mumbai, dont expect us to take you to the beaches of Bahamas.

If any person, for any particular reason has contraints in attending the program, he/she is free to meet any of us.

What it means: We dont like "No" for an answer. We dont care what problems you have in life or what the program is all about. We want 100% attendance.



Regards

Vish

The weekend hike

My quota of travel for the season has just begun. I sincerely gave it a thought to have a twitter account just to contend with regular travel & still stay in touch with as many of my people. Morever, it is the new "in" thing in social networking; so they say. But I instantly shot down this idea for 2 particular reasons. Firstly, my brain seems to have reached all-time saturation levels and refuses to remember new passwords, IDs, secret questions (yes..these are absolute necessities if you forget passwords on a consistent basis). Secondly and most importantly,you need to have followers to be in twitter.

Having said that, the overtly mad craze for social networking hasn't showed any signs of subsiding yet. Or maybe it has just started. For the moment though, the bug doesnt seem to have bit me well enough. It was startling to be called a loser by one of my very close friends the other day just because I didnt know of a certain "fishville" game. Yeah right !!
Fishville, Farmville as amusing as the names of these games get, its almost as if you are from the stone-age if you haven't tried your hand at any of them. Personally, I was a die-hard sucker for orkut thanks to its user-friendly format. Despite the many changes it has undegone, the makers have made sure it requires no user-guide for anyone to maneouvre through. Virtual networking seems to have taken a backseat for me; u see nothing does match up to personalised physical presence.
And what better way to chill with mates than a 2 day hike on the weekend!

The ground-work for the hike had been laid out long ago thanks to a series of chain-mails fuelled by a certain Mr. "Yogi" who had made it absolutely clear by then that he wasn't really loaded with work. The result: As expected, it received an overwhelming response & a thumbs-up from the "trekking" junta.




Well, getting to the travel part of it. For a change it was a far-cry from the routine, boring supplier visits/out-door duties which are so much a part-n-parcel of the job. Infact it was a trip close to spirituality & history, quite far from the bustle of city life. Social networking would have been the last thing one anybody's list..(agreed..but then its always part of the list).




So finally, the 17 of us did set off on a 2-day hike to a place called Raigad. It is place loacated nearly 90 km from Mumbai, a fair distance from the Mumbai-Pune route. An amazing fort built by the great Maratha warrior-king Shivaji in the 17th century, in the environs of the massive Sahyadri mountain ranges (close in resemblance to the Grand Canyon), 2800 ft above sea-level!



To be honest, it wasnt as challenging or arduous a trek as some of the earlier ones were, where loosing your grip and slipping were common sights. Still, with 17 of us, there is always a strong lurking possibility that a few flashes of extreme dare-devilry could ruin the whole thing. Thankfully, the heroics were within palpable limits. It was just a 3 hr trek climbing up but the scorching heat ensured that by the time we reached the summit our energies had been sapped to nil.


As a matter of fact, unlike most other places, forts in Maharashtra are always on mountain tops. The topography of Maharashtra with its sprawling & sometimes treacherous ranges was an asset to the Maratha kings who preferred it that way since they were naturally gifted in mountaineering & guerilla tactics and could easily ward/fight off their enemies, especially the Mughals who preferred the plains.



A trek to any of these mountain-forts would leave you marvelling at how they were built at such seemingly inaccessible places at high altitudes complete with provisions for running a full-fledged city; markets, stables for horses & cattle, temples, granaries, water systems, massive palace courts, watch-towers & vigilance check points etc. All of which have managed to survive for centuries & now lie in ruins. Hats off to these super dare-devils and their fine sense of architecture too.



One notable feature was the highest point in Raigad called "Takmak Tok". It drops down almost vertically into the valley. Centuries ago, serious crimes had only one punishment- Death. The criminal would be tied up with ropes , put in a sack and would be thrown down this spot. Seriously, there is something about history that sends shivers down your spine, more so when you imagine it happen.

Some things which do not change irrespective of the trek - the relentless Dumb Charade & Antakshari sessions (preparations for which start almost a month in advance), intense photo sessions (outrageous poses) which serve as a serious impediment if you want to complete the trek in the stipulated time.
Nevertheless, here are a few "drops" from the "ocean"

Regards

Vish

Corporate culture

As I swipe my card and enter the brightly-lit, plush office which wears its corporate aura yet again at the dawn of a new day; I hear the usual phone calls, telecon sessions, vendor bashing, shortages,inventories, feasability talk, cost,quality,delivery,dispatch,...poooh.

But yet I somehow feel out of place.

Then I walk to where my work cubicle is and I fail to identify which one is mine (especially if everything's in the right place).
Not surprising if you are travelling half the month.

And then the boss/bosses notice that they havent seen me for ages and just as I put my back-side to rest and attempt to seat myself conmfortably, there is invariably an interrogation session around the corner.

Good morning. Where have you been? Long time, yaar!!" Trying their utmost to sound like long-lost pals at their cheerful and calming best, as if I had just returned from a vacation in Disneyland.

Where have you been??
You ought to know where I have been since its you who delegates work and you get paid for doing it, right?


" Sir, I had to attend to some pending development issues in of "A" project at "X" supplier in "B"city and then had to rush off all of a sudden to Y vendor."
(Damn supplier X & Supplier Y. They could easily win oscars for spoiling some else's holiday!)

Then what follows is a full-on, 10-minute verbal report of X & Y vendors.
The verbal report serves its purpose of calming any unfound fears, if there were any,that I was on a paid holiday under the pretext of "official" duty.

" So, developments on in full swing, huh?" cuts in one of the other bosses who it seems is having a field day with no work to do.
(That, these days, seems a very common phenomenon since the "delegating" job doesnt take much time.)

Weekends for are at a premium these days!
And if there ever was a long one,
(A long weekend for me is a non-working Saturday & Sunday)it invariably does end up in travel within town.
The previous weekend had come came with its share of travails. Not that it bothered me much since I had just completed a 3-day soujourn of Chennai & Nashik.

Friday was supposed to be a half-day which ended up being a hectic full-day thanks to "What's Your Rashee?". As it was, the only two things that seemed intresting were priyanka and the ttitle track. (The guy who recommended the movie was lucky enough to escape getting bashed up or paying a re-fund to the 12 of us who went for it carrying high hopes.).
And then we waited, with bated breaths & increased desperation,for what we call as the "honeymoon" period.
Yes you heard it right!
The Sept-to-Nov period is what i call the "honeymoon" period for most employees. Usually peppered with a series of festivals, it easily qualifies as the most unproductive season of the financial year as far as work is concerned.
Most blokes wouldnt care working just weeks before the festivities begin, since its the "run up-to-the-event" time and no one's in the "mood" to slog.
And guess what? No one's prepared to work after the fun gets over, since they are yet to shake off the festive "mood" (hangover as some may call it)!!

Good god, such strange ways of keeping away work! (Just say "No", that will do!)


Regards

Vish

Corporate culture - Part 1

There's more to work than just the desk,the PC, the heaps of files and documents,bosses,suppliers and the likes. Each day (day in office I mean) is an event in itself. but some things never change.I have ,quite flawlessly, managed to maintain my (unofficial) reporting time as 9 am ,every day; which is actually a very blatant, 15-min violation of the official time of 8.45 am. Without sounding proud or emphatic, I should say "its an art well mastered". Even in my wildest dreams, never have I fantasised myself swiping in at the official company time.

Just as I trudge into our posh, brightly-lit office, I am greeted by a half-filled office which makes me look like an early bird. Not surprising!!I give myself a pat on the back, mentally. Then the junta starts trickling in slowly but gradually. Some people wait with bated breath and count down seconds for the shrill 'breakfast' bell to ring at 9.30 which is a signal for everyone to put down everything before them and have a bite. A few minutes later, the 'breakfast' place strewn with samosa or 'bhajji' pieces and cups of tea resembles a battle-field thanks to some clumsy idiots who haven't been given a crash-course on eating properly.

As i make my way back to my place, to my right, I find 'Shaktimaan' seated comfortably in his place, typing away furiosuly on his lappie and debating hard with a supplier on a quote I guess . Shaktimaan (obviosuly not his original name) has been christened so because of his daunting, 'Salman'esque frame and a heavy walk to go with it. His (body-hugging) shirt looks like it could tear off any second due to his Popeye-like bulges. He is known to follow a very religious health regimen at the company gym despite his busy schedule. Shaktimaan's intimidating physique is enough to psyche out all his suppliers to the point of ' no more negotiations'. Shaktimaan in his new role has been buried under heaps of responsibility lately and he still plays mentor to 'Virus'.

'Virus', 'Viral fever', 'Tame tiger' whatever you say, points to just one person. Seated in the cubicle adjacent to shaktimaan, you are forgiven for mistaking him for a 8th grade school boy. He gives you that confused look that seems to suggest that he hasnt spoken for ages in an otherwise boisterous department. Some people even observed that the last time they heard him talk was when he had conducted the morning meeting on Monday, a good 2 months ago. He is the junior-most addition to the department and touted to be the dept's bright future.

"Viral" shouts Shaktimaan and gives him the 'khunnas' look as if he would bash him up then n there. Viral gets up with a start, half startled by the sudden call of duty. Shaktimaan asks Viral for a blow-by-blow account of the activities which he was supposed to complete just like a school headmaster asking a child the status of the previous day's homework. Viral apprises him accordingly. Shaktimaan gives him the 'satisfied' look and along with it a few words of wisdom. Viral then starts off work in his trademark fashion which appears like a slow-motion sequence from a movie; be it removing a file from his shelf or typing a mail. I meanwhile, manage to wave a quick 'Hi' to Viral.

Sai Baba looks on, as he sees Shaktimaan sounding some instructions to Viral. Baba is amused to the core. This morning he has carved out a special look moustache like one of those heavily-loaded telugu movie stars. Baba is famous for his versatile cooking skills which could put any living female to shame. Easily one of the most shrewed guys around, he is one capable of arranging a training session on notoreity ("jhol" as we call it). He can be heard giving the supplier an earful. But the catch here being that he doesnt distinguish between genders and that sounds awfully confusing to the listener.

"Sir, tere ko pata nahi target date kab hain. Material kab laayegi?
Material kabhi aayegi. AAyegi ki nahi aayegi?" (Pauses)..
"Tu mere ko commitment date do" (Bangs the receiver into the resting position, sits expressionless).

A cubicle even further away is 'Yogi' who has worn a'happy' look this morning due to the absence of his boss who literally 'stares him in the face' while at work. He dials he number and as the voice answers he starts of in customary fashion.

" Hello? Hasmukh bhaai..main yogi baat kar raha hoon... Aaaj kya banaa raha hain?? Achcha theek hain, 200 piece bhej do."

Kya bana rahaa hain??? Now, What kind of a question is that supposed to be??? It would have made sense had he posted the same query to the halwaai-waalaaa or the roadside chaat-waalaa after seeing the menu-card.
Anyways,Yogi seems to float around in a world of his own completely unmindful of what is happening around him. He is perhaps the tallest guy in the whole of the company and the primary target of all his banter is his immediate neighbour 'Saab' and 'cheerleader'.

Saab is a part of a very rare species which is a combination of a metallurgy and an MBA degree in marketing. Formally dressed, bespectacled, oily hair side-parted to perfection to the smallest micron and an aura of a scholarly saintliness. And then you realize why the name is 'Saab'. Hearing him speak, you cant help but wonder if he was actually paid to sell ideas or really outrageous fundaas. People are still willing to bet their money on what his responsibility in the organization actually is. But for the moment, he is seen as the partner-in-crime to none other than 'Bala'.

Then suddenely the momentary silence is interrupted by a very familiar female voice.
"Chalo, Lunch..Lunch ke liye jaate hain."

Enter the cheerleader!
The outdoor expeditions and picnics that she is part of earn much more coverage than her office work. Infact there are times when you can see her working too. Although she wouldnt admit, but her fetish for a lean figure makes sure she counts the number of grains of rice on her plate. C'mon, a lone chapati hardly qualifies as 'lunch'! And she ponders over it for ages till it begs and cries to be eaten.
Her fervent calls for coffee breaks in the late afternoons have dwindled somewhat in recent times. Her flirtatious exchanges with 'Saab' are a notable feature, but Saab appears too busy (with what??) and steadfast to fall for it.

As the clock strikes 6, the cheerleader is the first to pack up what looks like a shopping bag. The others pretend as if they are still enagaged in 'important' work (some really are). By 7.30, the whole office wears an empty look.

And you thought it was just about work!!

Regards

Vish

"Bus" Karo

My training continues in top gear. People are actually shocked when i tell them that my training duration is 1 yr. Work, Training, Office; no matter what people call it, its the same at the end of the day. You are always counting down days to the coming weekend. And most importantly you waste no time in squeezing in that extra bit of comfort into your life ,before and after the day's work ,especially during travel. I m one among the million commuters in the city who tunes into FM on the cell , unmindful of all the noise n traffic which is effectively drained out(along with the conductor's cries of "Pude Chala, Pude Chala( marathi for "Move,It") thanks to the music on full blast. The hapless bus conductor has to do some serious throating.

Damn amusing..if u were to observe these things while travelling in mumbai.
Fortunately for me,my work timings are such that I literally get to choose my seat in the bus. Absolutely no crowd at all (touchwood!)on my way to work. But the return story is a different one if I work till late hours. The traffic and the sweaty fragrance inside the bus doesnt make things better.
Its a real sight to see guys getting tossed and jostled around courtesy that startlingly sudden break. Much worse if the guy is sandwiched between females (u know, like right at the front, near the "Ladies Only" seats). If he fails to hold on properly he ends up bumping into the aunty standing behind him. As he turns around to apologize, he is greeted by a real,cold glare from her; a look mostly reserved for chain-snatchers,murderers,rapists and the like. Hehee..as if the poor guy did it on purpose.
Then there are these hilariously stupid guys who take an eternity searching for their wallet in their pant pockets only to realize they dont have one. After a good 10-15 minutes of searching in their shirt pocket, they fork out a crisp 100-rupee note for a mere 5-rupee ticket in a "Keep the change!" style( The note held between the tip of the index and middle finger ). The conductor, obviosuly not impressed by the whole exercise, makes no secret of how pissed off he is and gives him a real mouthful along with the 100 rupee note.
Then there are the college dudes who prefer to be the back-benchers even in the bus no matter how much space there is at the front,playing with their cell phones and having a great laugh occasionally. The girls, on the other hand, engage in what appear to be real path-breaking discussions interspersed with an occasional chorus of giggles which makes a few heads turn.
Then there are the people who seem completely oblivious to whats going on inside the bus because they are so busy watching out of the window. Window seat is always the prized one, be it a bus,rickshaw or bike.
There is momentary silence as the bus comes to a halt at the signal. The silence is however shortlived. Suddenely, as if from nowhere, we are interrupted by the famous bollywood number "Dhoom Machale" (a Ring tone). It is followed by a loud "Hello,.. Haan, harish bhai.. bolo...acchaa" , as if to show the whole bus that he's got a cell phone and that too with handsfree! To top it, he gestures with his hands, while talking. You get really irritated and want to remind him that the person at the other end cannot see through the cell phone. 5 minutes on, the conversation is at its loudest best and the junta in close proximity is sulking and silently cursing the guy under their breath. Just makes one wonder how Technology can be a real pain in the a** !! By the time he is finished with his talk, he has ensured that the every person in the bus knows who 'Harish bhai' is.

Then there are the guys (heroes) who are hell-bent on showing that they are completely different from the rest. They stand on the step-board ('local train' ishtyle)with acres of space available inside. Its a blasphemy for these people to board a stationary bus; the thrill they derive out of catching a bus on the "running" is unmatchable. They always exit through the entry door and vice versa. When you hear the conductor spewing expletives and unmentionables, you can sense that the 'heroes' are there somewhere in close vicinity.
One more tribe of bus commuters are the 'surprised' kind. Ya!The people who wear that perenially surprised look like they have seen a celebrity in the bus. You remove and open your wallet to pay the bus fare and they examine every action of yours which makes you feel like Mukesh Ambani.
Finally its time for me to unboard and I make my way through the maze of standees to the exit door.
Thats life!

Regards

Vishwesh

In(tro)duction 3

The next 2 weeks of my induction:
Mere classroom sessions with Saturday tests.Some losers even studied for it (night-outs, sleeping with their books open...u got my point na?)and some maha-losers even discussed answers after the tests. The tests were of the timepass kind just to scare the kids, which ultimately failed its purpose(although these loser a.k.a studious tribes would have their books perpetually open to revise their 'notes'..baah! gimme a break!).
Yawn!! for your convenience and to avoid the risk of losing my valuable readers I have(wisely) chosen not to elaborate much on gears, shafts,drives,suspension systems,...Yawn!

The 4th week
Without a doubt, the best of them all! 60 of us were taken on an out-bound fitness survival camp. It included trekking,reppling, rafting, kayaking, shooting, setting our own tents and (believe it or not)cooking (rather experimenting with foodstuffs) ourselves. 3 days later we were still panting for breath and thanking the almighty that each of us had returned in one piece albeit with niggles and muscle pains.

The 5th week
Some C2C(college to corporate) thing! Was supposed to build in confidence levels, know yourself as a person and it was meant to ensure that your transition from college to corporate was smooth.I dont remember much except that I played some kiddish games and did lotsa tp(familiarise yourself with short-forms..if you dont what is tp, go hang yourself). Things we did

. Made a house using handicraft paper which actually looked like one (Wow!)
. Built a pyramid using shoes (there were 10 in a group..ours was the tallest pyramid thanks to my ingenuity).
Moral of the story: No matter how much your shoe stinks ,when you work in a group and compete against other groups, it doesnt really matter!
. Formed human chains. Some more tp and games
. Small Ball, Big ball (Naughty naughty! its the name of a game!)
Thne some more fundaas by the proprietors (a couple).Phew.

6th and the last week
.Takes the honours for the most boring week of the program. Except of course, the last day, the DJ nite..Awesome stuff. It just went to show we had some real talent amongst us! Our company Prez addressed us and gave us glimpses of his fundoo-ness.
After eveything was over it was hugs,hanshakes,tears galore. A real emotional moment ( But nothing to beat the feeling when i left college). Everyone was gonna go different places, into various functions. That was it. We bid adieu with heavy hearts.

Regards

vishwesh

In(tro)duction-2

Nasik is a weird city..Its a complete contrast to mumbai. The people, their lifestyle, the cool weather and lots of other stuff (except off course the pot- holed roads in some parts which are a trademark feature of mumbai). Everyone there seems to own a car; at least an indica. And I never saw a single signal there, forget traffic jams!
We had 40 odd days on our hands to make the most of our stay in the city. My day began at 6.30 (yes!daily!).A hostleler's nightmare as you may call it! I would be woken up by a sudden knock on the door. The funniest part being that I still havent figured out who used to do it..probably one of the "other" room guys. Fact is I never really gave a damn as long as the person regularly kept waking me up on time. Our induction seesions were scheduled at 8 am each day and the company bus would ferry us half n hour in advance so that we could swipe our I-cards in time before the rush started.
The first week was a bit of a pain although we were given 2 shirts and a bag and the "T-shirt and jeans" dress-code was enforced till we got our uniforms. they called it the senior management week as all the VPs, Sr. VPs,Heads..blah blah from each function( HR, Finance,marketing, product development..see i remember things) addressed us with fundoo powerpoint presentations which failed to make any sense to us. There are times u feel the company wastes its precious moolah giving these intelectual blabbermouths fat pay packets. But then these are the blokes who conceptualise. They work out the way ahead for the company ,which is something very important.
The common mantra in their "feel good" presentations being "You are the young,dynamic minds,brimming with knowledge who have entered the industry when the india story is just unfolding and rising. You are really fortunate. We wish we were 30 yrs younger so that we could be in your place". One just got the feeling that these big dudes had copied each others presentations the previous night ,just like engineering students copied assignments.

Ya right! Bright, young minds (I have heard that before, the first day at engg college when someone called us that in his speech)! They wanted to project us as the privileged lot in order to create an "I-am-soo-jealous-of-you" atmosphere. Crap! Utter crap! Why would a Sr.VP wish to be an engineer in the first place? Anyways,each day was packed with 3 breaks (morning tea- sumptuous lunch- snack n tea) and 4 senior management talks. Each of them spoke as if they had a vacancy awaiting us in their departments and we just had to pick n choose. Being a perennial back-bencher by default and design I slept through a few sessions(at times waking up my immediate neighbours by snoring loudly). Such sessions also help bring out the best drawing talents( mostly in the back rows). The funniest(and most eagerly awaited) part of these sessions was the "Audience Queries'" phase which followed the presentations. A thousand hands would go up and the poor guy on stage would be at the recieving end of a barrage of outrageously stupid questions.
Some of them which could be touted as automatic entries into the guiness book of records for the "World's Most stupid query"
Girl to the marketing VP:
"Sir, I think the Tv commercial you are showing is not very nice.It is not telling anythng about the product. It only focuses on the man and woman in the helicopter.(Lady, he knows his job better than you)

" Sir,thank you for the wonderful talk. I just wanted to ask what is the greenfield project you talked about. Is it the name you gave to your new environment-friendly plant." (Give me a break!!)

Even better:
Guy to the HR head
" Sir, do we have any chance of a overseas posting."
"Yes u do, Zambia! Nice country, nice people"

The ultimate:
" Sir,I am really very happy with your talk and I enjoyed it (??). I dont have any question in mind. I want to work with this company for entire life.



Regards

Vishwesh

In(tro)duction

Its been a li'l over 2 months since i last saw the blogger dashboard. It just goes to show that just about anybody in this world can be kept busy and starved for time. (Infact some people politely enquired whether i had forgotten by blogger password or how to blog.)
But an eventful 2 months its been. So much so that even a blog freak like me cant decide where to start frm.
I joined my new company in mid-august in nasik, a place 180 km frm mumbai. This was the place where we were scheduled to have our induction programme. The company was kind enough to e-mail me the details of the place, the contact nos,general info about the location to ensure that i wasnt stuck in the middle of nowhere. Even before the e-mails, the company sent a series of letters (one of them a 'feel-good' letter addressed to my parents on me being one of the lucky ones to join their company ,which moved my father...hehehe)
I got off at the specified address (wasnt much of a pain). It was a spacious bunglow-type house with a plush lawn outside).Light music played on FM, creating an atmosphere of serenity n comfort. Coffee and tea vending machines were there on offer.All of these much needed after a (believe-it-or-not) 5 hr ride frm mumbai to nasik(courtesy a nasty, bumpy road and a toppled tanker).

"Ah ha!!So this is where i m gonna be put up during my stay over here" i thought.
My details were carefully checked ,cross-checked and matched like DNA samples; first by a guy who held a 'fresh trainees' manual in hand and another who had our details on his PC.
"Oh, congrats! U are the first in the list. Do you know you are the first trainee recruited by our company this year!" (Great! As if being the first in the list would entitle me to additional salary benefits.).
I smiled, as if to say " Oh, It was nothing really."
I was asked for a photo of mine and within ninutes i was handed a sheet of paper. To my horror i discovered that this plush bungalow wasnt where i was supposed to stay.It was just the company guest house. The place of stay was in the sheet of paper(an apartment they had said).
Besides me there were 3-4 other trainees. One who's face resembled that of a sacrificial lamb, yet another one who was attempting to look cool in
wacky jeans, most of them with anxiety clearly written all over their faces
After having made sure i was done with the details,i sat on the sofa and helped myself to some tea
A well-dressed man, cell in hand, entered the 'bungalow'and shook hands with me and spoke to all of us in a tone which most people reserve for new tiny-tots who r all crying-crying on their first day at school.

"HR guy!"i thought. Isnt that their job, making u feel at home even in the middle of Sahara desert.
A van waited outside for us to ferry us to our location. We gasped n grunted in pushing(shoving) our suitcases inside it.After a 10 km travel (i presume).. we reached the place. It was a fine 3-storey building with flats.
Me and a guy from rajasthan named dheeraj(whom i had met in the guest house) were put up in a room. The other room in the same flat was shared by a guy from mumbai(venky) and a guy from orissa(suprit). It dint take me long to realise that Dheeraj was the show-off kind who wouldnt waste an opportunity to publicise himself. Venky was the typical home-grown kid who grumbled and cribbed about stuff while suprit was our master story-teller who could make do with anything. He had done his share of india trotting. He was a Bong who had lived in different places and had experienced things which ordinary mortals only dreamt of. And this meant he had lots to talk about. There where 24 other trainees in the building. The ground floor had the common room where we would assemble for breakfast, lunch and dinner and each floor had a TV set.
Our caretaker was a thin, wiry guy called mahadev who wore a dirty orange uniform who would address each of us as "Sirji". We introduced ourselves and got to know each other well.This was our home for the next 40 days and we hoped everything would go on fine.

Regards

Vishwesh

The CATalysis which never was!

The day after the cat exam was a silent post-mortem. The exam never really matched our expectations and was unusually easy for
a guy who was cooling his heels till the previous day,celebrating the end of
the engg sem exams( 6 in 6 days) What made it even worse
was we were allowed to retain the test booklet. This meant that you still
felt the urge to open it, getting the occasional bouts of "did i mark the
wrong answer" feeling.
Sites flashed details of cut-offs and answer. Grr..I dont get this,What
sadistic pleasure do they get by doing all this?? I could sense eager iim-
aspirants all over the country gobbling up each n every detail from a certain
website( whose name when translated to hindi quite literally means 'mad'
guy).The number of attempts made by each guy was just demoralising, to say the
least.
Add to this the "cat is belled" headlines on every news-channel(right
from D-day), one of which had a reporter interviewing a hapless chap just
after the 2 n half hour grilling. He sounded a little a little too optimistic
(after claiming to have attempted 31). My mother sounded more upbeat about the
cat exam analysis( Read:catalysis) than me.This feeling was easily manifested
in the way she was surfing through news channels for more n more "cat news",
REMOTE CONTROL in hand(rarest of phenomena after Halley's comet).
Things eased out later. Thanks to various damage-control initiatives like
spending as much time with friends,away from home; switching to "everyday"
soaps on tv and not venturing anywhere near news channels and "cat"sites.
Then the day came when the three of us (jaj, pam, me) chalked out a plan to
watch the latest bond flick in town, 2 days after D-day. Since we were coming
from three different places,we chose a theatre which was the
nearest to the three of us. A movie in a theatre in mumbai after almost 5 months (in
wilderness) was the biggest relief on could hope for!!jaj and pam were there waiting for me with the
tickets. jaj looked different with his glasses on ,while pam..er..he looked
just the same(its his nose, i tell u!!). We had about 15 minutes before the
movie actually started. A conversation kicked off as we sipped on some cola(a
costly proposition at 45 bucks.Daylight robbery! You always have to make a face
that its all soo reasonably priced. Consumerism Murdabad!)

"Sheesh man.. screwed totally!!!" pat came pam's lament accompanied by a shake of the head!

I wondered what he was talking about. Infact, my initial thought was that he
was crying over the cola being overpriced. But when was the last time he
ever cried over food or drink. Something else was bothering him.

"What's it man?" jaj enquired.
"Man..I got screwed in the english section,I smashed quants and DI.I attempted
only 15 in english and I referred to the answer keys online. I am getting only
26."

Oh!! So it wasn't about the cola after all! it was about CAT! And
what a place to start a cat analysis(catalysis)session. From the
corner of my eye, i could sense a college couple already relishing our cat-
talk and they were finding it quite amusing.)

Me:( sounding genuinely concerned)" Pam, how much are you geting using the
time answer keys?"

pam:(sulks)"ONLY 143 yaar!! 28 in english, 47 in DI, 68 in
quants!
sheesh..I m so screwed!

(ONLY 143!! someone please tell this guy you dont repeat your cent-percent board-exam performance everywhere, max you get a 100% percantile, thats it!!!)

The college couple sitting at the table now looked really interested and
they watched every movement of pam as if he were a 9'0 clock sitcom show on
star TV.

Me: "Oh, only 143!! Sha..i m really sad for you! anyways, its ok, luck next
time. I am sure you'll do well.

jaj:(Performing his job of a sooth-sayer to perfection)" Hey champ, you
smashed quants and DI and you have a great gpa. So, who knows, you may get
calls from 3 IIM's, if not all 6."

pam:"Are you kidding? No chance! English turned out to be my nemesis, when I
expected it to be my main scoring area. And i got the test paper code 444
which had 2 wrong questions. both of them quants! God, (a slight laugh, more of a "why-is-it-always-me" chuckle) Everything went against me!

Damn pam!!He was at his loudest best now! The couple could burst with laughter any second now, at the sight of 3 geeks discussing answer keys
in a goddamn movie theatre.

jaj: "There wont be any re-test or scrapping of wrong Questions (much to the dismay of pam, pam's face fell). By the way,wat was the answer for the 2nd question in the quants section. The surds question.

Me:(fed up of all the talk now and acting completely uninterested) I think it was 2 or 3rd , not sure.

The 15 min ended and we were inside the dark theatre. the new
james bond did his bit of hero-giri, leaping and diving across multi-storeyed
buildings as if they were concrete srpingboards.I sat between jaj and pam still
sipping my cola.Then came the
intermission.

pam: "Nice movie, huh? different from the previous ones naa?
Me: ya, it is

jaj chipped in with his fundaas on the bond aston-martin, the bond martini, the bond gun, the bond suit and many other bond accesories.

pam:"Hey any of u guys giving the XAT exam?I wanted to fill in the details
online.?(It was quite clear by now, number 143 would give him many sleepless
nights.)

Me: What?? You mean,you you want to write XAT too

pam: Arre ,obviously yaar!! this is my last chance to prove myself.(chuckles)!
(last chance?? Grrr...people cant do away with the cat hangover, can they?)

Anwyays, the meet ended on a good note, as we had a snack in a nearby reastaurant near sion circle.

pam(after the snack): hey guys, please check your score using the answer keys and tell me?

jaj: (A very familiar picture of horror on his face) "F*** you, pam!!!You crazy or what??
I want it to be a suspense. I dont want to get depressed so early. I prefer to wait"


For the next few days, my orkut scrapbook attracted an avalanche of "did you bell the cat or not?" scraps.
All this prompted me to fled the city and run off to a place (100 km away from mumbai), totally cut off from the rest of the world and returned only after all the hullabaloo had died down.

Regards

Vishwesh