The XLRI interview experience

Feb: 21st. I had been shorlisted for the BM profile by XLRI (which seemed a distant dream after my XAT exam which was no less than a disaster. One of the rumours making the rounds was that next yr the XAT exam would be in French to discourage people from attempting any questions.)
Anyways, My XLRI interview was scheduled on the 21st Feb at the Xavier's College. Arguably the most colorful college in town, the hip & happening crowd in the college a far cry from the grilling I was about to face.

I reached the college at 11 for my inteview and started interacting with the 10-odd people inside the AC-filled waiting room. Most of them had the PMIR (HR) profile which entitled them to have a 20-min case-study before their interviews. I got into a conversation with a girl & a guy who had just finished with their case study which was about relations between top management & union leaders hitting a low due to different incidents and unfourtunately u r the guy in between who can mend ways.

I could gather from their talk that the case-study hadn't been a "fish market" (a dreaded proposition which no one wants in a GD. Beats me! Then who converts it into a fish market??) and each of them had got an opportunity to put their thoughts. The 2 then asked me about how case-study applied only to PMIR profile and not the BM profile to which I applied. I told them I had no idea and continued wearing and adjusting my tie. The girl took my noncholance for great cool-headedness and confidence, commenting that I dint seem nervous at all. (Ya right! wats the point?)

The guy who had his turn before me had just returned. Judging from his grim smile and not-so-pleasant reactions he had got a royal rollicking from the BM panel. At one point he was confused whether it was an interview or a JAM (Just a minute) session.

One of the panel members called out my name and I followed him to the interview room.
I was shortlisted for BM. So it was just the interview for me

A panel of 3 sat before me

P1 - middle-aged man (spoke 50% of the time)
P2 - middle-aged man (did everything but talk)
P3 - old man (did the rest of the talk, listened intently, looked for opportunities to stress u out using whatever you spoke..)

Duration: 20 min

No forms/documents were filled by me. They had all details of me before them.

P1: So should we call you "Vishwanath"?
Me: Yes sir, thats my name.(Naam mein kya rakha hain?)

P1: So tell us something about yourself
Me: Blabbered for about 2 min about school, college, mumbai, nit trichy, metallurgy, 3 yrs of experience in M&M, materials management, automobiles etc.(the idea here is to keep talking abt urself, ur acads, work ex, job profile, company etc etc..but stick to the truth)

2. y the chosen field for grad. (be genuine abt it)

3 relation of field of grad to current work (dint have to take much of an effort in my case )

4. challenges at work (dont make it up)

5. projects/ achievements

6. how is the market for ur industry (do a lot of reading and form opinions)

7. asked abt competitor and competitor's products (Nano)

8. some more info asked about auto industry, comapny stding, latest news, new happenings etc.

9. asked abt interests.

10. i told them abt blogging.. so they asked about when i started? blogpage? wat is the content? lot more talk (pls choose a intrest which u can speak about)


11. P3 spoke for abt 5 min on the company i was workin for, its progress, my salary, my work, my profile, etc etc..and then all 3 stared at me.
I stared back at them. They told me to answer. I asked them wats the qstn? actually it was "y mba"?

12. preferences (told options open)

13. they told me to be specific. (i told prefernces are ops/mktg)

14. which industry? (i told manufcg or non-manufcg)

15. which industry other than manufcg.. (i told fmcg)

16. Some basic qstns on fmcg, a few companies and products.

17. Tried to unsettle me by saying fmcg not ur cup of tea etc etc, v dont take engineers for fmcg, etc etc. I smiled back and said u ll face massive manpower shortage then)

17. Y mktg? convince us. ..they tried dicomforting me again in between

18. Y not finance? and a few more qstns to try and spice it up ..responded

19. Asked me abt my other calls.. (told them)

20. In case of converting all calls which one u ll take and y? (be careful here..its a pitfall. I told them I would prefer one of the IIM calls and they used this as a tool to question me further.)

21. Tried needling & unsettling me again.. (big smile from my side)

Pi,P2, P3 - i think we r done..thank u

I think it went of well ..no regrets as such

Important points:

.No bluffs pls ..be honest
.Choose intrests properly...Rest all will be fine

And no need to make an effort to remember wat you scribbled after the XAT exam (Read "essay").


Final Verdict: Converted

Regards

Vish

The SP Jain GD/GI experience-1

Feb the 17th: Cometh the day, cometh the hr..
Chic Formal clothes + shiny black shoes and me are poles apart! Before this, formal clothes were my companions only on two occasions: College sypmosiums or job-interviews. Finally I settled for a striped black shirt & the new "tailor-"made black pant.

I always seem to have a tryst with Murphy's law each time (The chances that you come across an occupied rickshaw is directly proportional to the criticality of the GD-PI you are gonna attend). Today wasn't the case though. As the auto-wala maneouvered his baby through the busy andheri traffic and I reached well before the stipulated time of 9:00 am.

It was quite an emotional moment to be part of the campus which I (supposedly) spent 2 years of junior college in. Old memories flooded my head - the broken beaker in the fume-filled chemistry lab, dissection of a hapless frog crying for help, 35% attendance, my parents being called to campus, my father giving me a discourse on attending lectures properly, the sports centre, the frankies at Guptaji. It was all up there in front of me like a ppt presentation projected on screen.
Infact, this single day was going to be more value-adding for me than the 2 years put together. The Bhavans' college building wore a new look, a far-cry from the dirty, crumbling castle it was when we last saw it. An anecdote which did the rounds then was that even if the building crumbled to rubble there would be no casualties. No one attended lectures anyway!! I brushed aside all these memories with a wry smile. It was business time , time to get serious.

SP Jain is quite a miniature version of most B-schools. As you enter the main building, there is no "Top 10 B-school" aura attached to it. Serene atmosphere, Simple in construction & style with a few rooms, lecture-halls, a few open spaces here and there and a small piece of vegetation outside which I assumed was the garden. That made up the B-school.

As I strolled to the room which read "Registration for interview round 1", I saw scores of snxious parents outside. Waiting, for most of us seems to be a waste of time but parents, especially mothers dont mind doing that all their lives. They wait for you to make your way out of the womb crying. They wait for you outside the kindergarten classroom as you sit with a teary-eyed face inside. They wait for you outside during the wretched board-exams. They wait with bated breath, to know which college you got into. They wait for you to know how well your interview went off and how good a job you got.

There was a sprinkling of students, 20-odd of them. Half of the males wore ties, some in blazers resembled leaders representing their countries in UN assembly meetings. Most looked like they come straight from their office-meetings and were immersed in their own thoughts.A few females sat far away in the last benches resigned to the fact they would recieve less attention than the interview files no matter what they tried.

I sat in between 2 guys. The dude on the right was dressed in chic-formals; a pink shirt wit hs shiny tie. He wore a nervous-look on his face, almost scaring me to wits. A part of me wanted to go to all the seemingly nervous dudes and calm them. I instantly reminded myself that they were all my opponents in this game. The guy on my left had a very confused expression. He was shuffling & re-shuffling the contents of his folder. He seeemed unsatisfied with the loads of documents,papers,certificates he was armed with or probably he had missed out on a few photo-copies.
The air was filled with a thick sense of competition by now that I could feel it envelope me. We were told that we were gonna be part of the A-panel consisting of 6 of us. We were the first group for the PI. There were 3 other groups after us. As the clock struck 9 we sat in chairs outside the interview room and then we were called in..

To be continued..

The SP Jain GD/GI experience-2

We were 6 of us in the 9:00 am session. After a small wait outside the room, we were summoned in.
There were 4 gentlemen on the panel. The one on the extreme left (P1) was a old man in his 60s, the 2nd man (P2) a much younger guy seemed very much like an almunus, the 3rd man (P3) had a swagger about him and the 4th man looked like an a intellectual.

"Good morning to you all" said P3 as we greeted him back.

"So guys, lets have a GD just to break the ice. Are you ready?" (What ice? GDs are potential ice-makers, not breakers!)

" So your topic for the GD is - " Development and Corruption go hand-in-hand ".
You get a minuted to put down ur points in the sheet of paper."

1 min over, i started off very briskly with points on development, industry, forms of corruption till I realized after the first 2 min that not one was interrupting me. Fast running out of ideas, I gave a momentary pause. One of them took it as a window of opportunity to enter the discussion. I thanked him silently. We ensured that each of us got a decent chance to put forward our points without making it a fish-market and we succeded in doing it and utilizing the full time. Good group dynamics!
I made an entry 2 more times in a big way by quoting examples of the RTI activists being murdered, the builder-bureaucrat-politician nexus, recent stats etc. After about 10 minutes, we were asked to stop. No one was asked to summarize. It did turn out to be a ice-breaker of sorts!

It was evident by now, P3 would do all the talking. He looked the kind who liked to talk. I wasnt wrong.
Each of us had to take turns telling about ourselves, our background, our acads, schooling, work, grad, work, interests/passions etc. 2 in our group were freshers who were still in grad.
P3 took it upon himself to provide some entertainment by indulging in some serious leg-pulling, mainly the 2 freshers. One of them was asked about his favourite subjects. He fumbled when he was asked to define thermodynamics and some other subject. He had kised adios to his chances, in the first 5 min of his interview. The poor guy had a horrid look after his turn. The more confident fresher, a mechanical engineer, was grilled on stock market terminologies when they were told that he wanted to do finance because he liked the sensex (thats called "digging your own grave"). Finally, they (P3)had made him look more foolish.

Then came my turn. P3 at it again. I had to ensure that he dint get a chance to smother me like 3 others before me.

P3: So, "Vishwanath" or is it "Hariharan"?
Me: Its Vishwanath

P3: Lets stick to vishy. Ya, so..vishy tell us who you are?
Me: Spoke about the usual stuff in a free-flowing manner, as if I had mugged it up.

P3: (After listening to a 2-min intro)so how is the auto industry and how do you the prospects in india 5 yrs hence?
Me: Talked about recent auto stuff & launches, threw nos & stats at him, random mention of JVs & acquisitions in india, talked about expansion plans, india growth story etc

P3: So..how do u compare the Indian & Japanese auto-makers?
Me: (Excellent..thats my domain u r in,dude!)Spoke about competencies in design, process, suppliers, discipline, culture, jugaad etc

P3: (With a chuckle)So how many years will it take for us to be on par with the Japanese?
Me: Reasoned out how Indians are up there with the global quality stds and work in-process. It may not be long when Indian brands will be preferred to others.

The other 3 panelists till then had just been sitting dummies. P3 , after occupying a lion's share of the questioning time, went cold and P1 took up with a little help from P1.

P2 asked each of us " Why MBA?" in 6 different styles.

I gave him the very carefully rehearsed answer (true answer!)about building a better skill set, more decision making scope, higher responsibilites..

P2: "How a better skill set?"
Me: More flexibility. more diverse opportunities, more value addition..( more gyaan)

P2:" You r the only person here who has a techno-commercial profile. Why not continue in it and take more responsibilities?"
Me: (I thought my "Why MBA?" answer would suffice. It dint) Told him how my 'metallurgy' tag was acting as an impediment to further challenging roles.

P4: (Making a late entry) " Did u take metallurgy by chance or choice?"
Me: Sir, by choice. I dint want to get into any circuit/IT related field of engg.

All 4 of them looked at each other and nodded their heads in affirmation with a polite" We are done. thank you."

We thanked them and walked out after a 40-min group interview.

After a 15 min break , we were told that only 3 of us had got through and I was one of them.

We then found ourselves in a similar-looking room for our 2nd group interview. There were 6 of us and 2 on the panel. One of them had impeccable english and had a Parsi twang to it. Some of the questions they asked were from the psychometric test we has to take before our 1st group interview.

We were asked about :
our whims & fancies,
our contribution to the society,
our achievements at college & work
"what animal/bird do u identify urself with?",
" What kind of job do u see urself in after u pass out?"
"Where do u see urself 10 years from now?"

Some food for thought! It was a forum to be clear about waht you wanted, your goals, projecting oneself (telling the truth and not bluffing..they did pull up one of the guys because he gave "Miss India" like answers.)

After a 15-min interaction we were through with it.


Final Verdict: "Converted"


Regards

Vish

CATastrophy-2

Changu keyed in his details which included his CAT reg no & his mail id. No sooner did he hit the ENTER button, a "INVALID reg no" page returned to greet him. Changu cursed under his breath and studied the details of his CAT admit card only to note that it was his admit card of CAT2018 which he had still preserved with as much care as his mother's pakoras.
He dug out the recent admit card,entered the details and waited with bated breath & silent prayers. (Possibly one of the few occasions when Katrina had a minority stake in his mind & Lord Ganesha the majority.)

Up came the details!

QA: 99.9265, VA: 99.9162, LR: 99.6271

OA: 99.9281

He fed in the details on the BIM J page since they were the first to come up with their shortlists.

A "hand-shake" image greeted him with the mesage below it reaing:

"Congratulations! You have been shortlisted for the GD-PI process of BIM J."

For a moment, Changu went blank like the screen of his 14" lappie, like those times when it just refused to start. Sitting on the very edge of the chair, hands covering his mouth, eyes wide open, he went into a compete tizzy. He re-confirmed the score a dozen more times. Computative errors where common-place in a competitive exam which decided who among the 2 million young minds were eligible for the 26 Bharatiya Institutes of Management BIMs of the country(BIM-A to BIM-Z)and make good managers.

"Kya hua be?" (What's it dude?). Nangu & Mangu did not miss the cacaphony of emotions on Changu's face. By now, he was looking at the screen intently and grinned incessantly (Katrina had taken a whopping 100% of his mind stakes).

"Abe b*****d !! , I m through? I cant believe it!!" Changu jumped out of his chair and caught his startled room-mates in a bear-hug.

" What's your score & which BIM you checked?" enquired Mangu as he gave him a dry "congrats" hand-shake.

"OA: 99.9281 ,yaar. Can you belive it. Got a call from IIM J!!" still thrilled.

BIM J or BIM Jhumri-talaya was a 3-yr old institution which had just come out the shadow of extreme nurture and care provided by its mentor BIM G (BIM Gorakhpur).

"How come you got through and I dint? We have almost the same percantiles" Mangu eyed Changu with a mix of suspicion & shock. His initial surprise had turned to a heart-breaking sense of having missed the bus.

" Arre, its their criteria. They have given 5% weightage to 5th std marks and 4% each to 7th,8th & 9th. Bach gaya bhaai (Saved)."

"Damn!" Now it was Mangu's turn to bang the table with his fist. He knew he had missed BIM J by a whisker. He was transported back to the past: If only he had supressed the pangs of adolescence clawing him from within and not had a crush on Aditi, he would have done better than a meagre 93% in 9th std. His 'puppy love-life' met a premature end though. Aditi had kissed goodbye to his dreams.

Mangu slapped himself for thinking about Aditi at this inopportune moment. His past sins were not letting him live in peace. "Screw her." he thought. A thought struck him that even her kids might be competing against him in CAT2020.


To be continued...

Regards

Vish

CATastrophy

If one Kat sizzled & seduced in "Sheila ki Jawani",the other CAT was a mixed bag of emotions for many. 12th Jan,2020! Dawned the day when the CAT would finally start purring the fate of the 2 million eager applicants, at the click of the mouse. It was their prized ticket to the 26 BIMs or the 26 Bharatiya Institutes of Management. These were the premier institutes of the country, out of which 6 of the BIMs were the original flag-bearers.

"Abey,yeh site b*****d khul kyun nahi raha hain. Dimaag ka dahi ho raha hain!" (Damn! why is this ite not opening. I am fed up.) Changu exclaimed loudly with a bang on his table.
The half-finished cup of milk on the table almost fell on his 5-year old lappie due to the impact. It was a 14", 2nd-hand lappie which had been repaired out of proportion so much so that its maker's name had faded away. The table had just taken the 17th beating of the morning and would have thought about its past-life karma, if it had a mind of its own.

Changu was clearly frustrated. It was judgement day for him today now that the CAT results had been announced online. He had been at it since 6:00 am in the morning. By CAT-taker stdandards, that was pretty late since the results were out just after midnight. Much to the expectation of the numerous candidates, the site was wilting under the heavy pressure of a million hits, all at once, much like a straw bridge under the weight of a 100 elephants waiting to cross.

Changu had sacrificed 2 hrs of sleep (which he planned to make up for at work later in the day). The optimist that he was, he typed in the site name and punched the ENTER key, only to see a "FORBIDDEN" sign staring him in his face.
He waited patiently,refreshed the page a dozen times within a few seconds but all in vain. It wouldnt budge and stood motionless. He was starting to skate on the edge of impatience when Mangu had told him that some shortlists were already out.

Mangu, Changu & Nangu were room-mates. They were thick friends and shared an amazing sense of camaraderie although they were diametrically opposite in nature. Changu & Mangu shared the same set of hobbies: preparing for numerous entrance exams, giving interviews/GDs, getting rejecting on the same grounds etc.

Nangu was wise enough to opt out of the CAT race. He had understood that his likelihood of success in an Mba exam was as good as the probabilty of finding a camel in Antartica. Mangu, in contrast to Changu, was the "networking" type. He had a god-given penchant for broadcasting "breaking news" very early in the morning, however irrelevant it sounded to the persons listening.

" Abey, Suna kya? Aaj A/B/C/D ke shortlists nikal chuke hain!" (Did you hear?Shortlists for BIM A/B/C/D are already out.) exclaimed a visibly excited Mangu.

" Pata hain, lekin khul nahi raha hain site.
G***d maraa!! kya farak padta hain. kuch ukhaadne waale thode hi hain me!"
( I know that. But the site refuses to open. Curses. What difference does it make. We wont get too far anyway.)
Mangu replied. The optimist in him had just taken a kitkat break. He was visibly frustrated. And when he was in such a mood, he mouthed cuss words (a little more) at will. Mangu & Nangu wouldnt as much bad an eyelid even when Changu used his choicest cuss words. They had got used to each other.

" Mil gaya, mil gaya!!" Nangu screamed. The other two looked at him with shock as if he had just had an orgasm. They rushed over to his table. Mangu was the first one ot punch in his details. He erred at the firt attempt as his finger fumbled under anxiety. A page in the .pdf format opened. It showed a scorecard replete with all details.


"QA - 99.9901, VA - 99.9906, LDI - 98.9261. Overall: 99.99902". Arey yaar, meri toh vaat hain yeh baar" (I am screwed, baby!)
his head dropped in depression. He had missed the magical figures of 99.999996 by a good margin.

Changu waited for hi turn with bated breath.

To be continued...


Regards

Vish

Travel-logs

Despite my long (self-imposed) exile from blogger.com and the growing concerns over whether I can still write, I finally did make it to the blog-o-sphere. (lol..Now, dat did sound as dramatic as a cricketer making a comeback after an injury). It had been a hectic 2 weeks for sure,not surprisingly since travel has become as much a part of my schedule as brushing.
3 days of a jam-packed schedule & travel in Chennai, covering the length & breadth of the city did ensure I had known enough to give the locals directions to avoid traffic snarls. A non-Chennaite (a non-tamil, as many saw me)like me, pronouncing 14-20 lettered tongue-twisters (Read: names of different landmarks in Chennai) with ease and guiding people was a bit of a shock & shame for many. Thats always been the case here.
In sharp contrast to my past trips which lacked any sense of planning(the ones I have got accustomed to), this one was well-planned. Well planned, in our home terminology,meant booking the travel tickets and letting my father know abt the destination 2 days in advance.
My father had been so overjoyed I thought he would offer a coconut to the temple deity for pumping some sense into me. He thought I had turned over a new leaf.

" My God, thats a whole lot of travel!" he observed with an air of pessimism as i gave him a brief of my itinerary. True, it had been pouring all over Tamil Nadu for the past 3 days; but my development work too wouldnt stop pouring.
The next morning was filled with sights which had become much too similar now: security guards, women decked in colorful "uniform"-sarees & tons of make-up (Needs some taking to invest time to look good at 5:00 am). The guards were loaded with guns and the women with artificial greeting smiles.
People rushed about to their respective gates as bright lights lit the area around. A buzz to go with it. There is something about the airport that brings about a drastic change in the way people behave. Or is it just us Indians! The enormous sense of discipline, hygiene & grooming means much more to us.

Ever observed the "denim" aunties in their mid-40s who seem like an overdose of botox, with goggles on, looking the other way and lapping the meagre attention with the corner of their eyes? Or the junior executive who has donned a borrowed blazer, looking at his swatch with unnecessary urgency & frenzy. Or the marketing manager of a company spelling out orders on his Blackberry with an air of sophistication, anticipating a delayed departure. Truly, we are podium-finishers at the Olympic of deception, if there was one!

As I was just about do give a silent kudos to myself and all fellow-indians when a big burly man in a swanky 'Armani'jumped the security queue and kept walking along as his costly perfume followed. He was too occupied on his bluetooth to realise that there were 10 other men ahead of him waiting for their turn.
I finally settled down in a seat in the boarding area as I saw a couple argue with the "Maggi" counter fellow for charging exorbitant rates for a cuppa. Maybe the fact he served them with hand-gloves and gave them extra sachets of ketchup dint impress them enough to part away with a 100 bucks.

" Flight 164 is delayed by 20 min due to bad traffic conditions. The new departure time stands at 5.30 am. We sincerely apologize for the inconvenience caused to the passengers due to the delay." came the announcement; although the jolly tone didn't exactly sound like one meant for an apology.
I took off my floaters,unbuttoned a bit and sat comfortably on the seat with my feet folded as the lady seated opposite me gave a slight "shameless bugger" frown.

Regards

Vish

"V"ivacious

It felt like any other Saturday except for the fact that there was something special in the offing. After a few busy weeks,the plan to meet "V" was to materialize.
I address her as "V" since her parents like mine did not believe in the principle of KISS ("keeping it short n sweet") while naming her. The location for our rendezvous this time was conveniently chosen as R-City, an amazingly large mall very well-known in the eastern suburb environs of Ghatkopar which is equidistant from our respective homes. I dint mind it one bit - "V" was spot-on in her choice of locations.

As luck would have it, the scheduled time of 3.30 pm could not be honoured by both of us. I made my way into the mall quite obscenely decorated with flashy designs which resembled stockings with color all around and flags fluttering at the entrance. Perspiration poured out just like water from over-flooded reservoirs & it covered my forehead each time I wiped it clean; No! it wasnt the thought of meeting "V" that made me perspire but the summer was taking full toll of me.
Having reached there by 4 and unable to find her, I felt a mini sense of victory thinking I had reached earlier than her. I dialled her number only to hear from her that she has reached a good 10-minutes ago and in one of the floors upstairs scouting for potential shopping hot-spots.

She dint mind my late attendance as she was busy indulging herself in the feminine hobby of "checking" out the costliest dresses on the 1st floor. She instantly located me through the unusually sparse Saturday crowd while still on the call. She had a earphone dangling out from a ear which begged for more music.
Today she had worn a lovely grey T with a black "over-dress" and black pants which made her look slimmer though I dint admit. Her hair fell neat on her shoulders. "V" flashed her 100-watt 'welcome mister' smile which could have brought the crowd to a grinding halt if not for their frenzied window-shoppping. We dint stop too.

We made our way up to the food-court as I checked out the heavily-decked men's suitings stores, electronic shops, fun & gaming zones, till we reached upstairs. There's something about "V" which serves as the source of stamina for her to talk endlessly unless interrupted, unmindful of where we are. Today she sounded really fresh despite the sveltering heat outside. Maybe a transfer of energy-levels from her to me could restore some equality, I thought.

I could sense that a part of her wanted to rush to the ladies' garment section given a chance since she had only half-checked it thanks to my sudden call. "V" ranted, rather apologetically, about how shopping for her sister (Read " shopping with her sister") was still unfinished business as per her. Its official: Girls cant resist splurging which they seldom admit.

Her thoughts snapped once we reached the food-court which was housed in a very large area on the toop-floor which also has the multiplex. We spotted a small table bang in the centre of the food-court. "V" is a die-hard sucker for filter-coffee thanks to her typical south-indian (tamil)upbringing in Mumbai. My dislike for coffee, quite a known fact by now,dint bother her; we sat down with 2 refreshing cups of masala chai and lots of talk.
"V" had started off on her rich agenda of topics and shot point-blank as usual. No, it wasnt about our MBA class pursuits. We had long got over class mock-tests, CAT/XAT/SNAP scores, percantiles, after-class sessions and other such pains in life. In-fact one of this very pains was the reason we had reached till this very point. "V" is a girl smart & sharp enough to handle almost anything in life except for her math abilities which is a perennial weakness and a big pain for her.

I have often wondered if only there was an extra section of witty remarks/sarcastic humour in each of these exams, she would top them all hands-down. Nevertheless, unlike most females , she made no bones of her weaknesses.She was happy about my B-school calls and I couldnt help thinking that a day with her would prepare me well for all possible GDs & PIs.

Chairs around us changes, people came and went, people at the counters changed but we remained deep-rooted in our seats. Time n again, V would push her hair back from her face and scan the entire food-court for any potential irritants ( her office colleagues, friends who stay closeby) to be absolutely sure there eas no eavesdropping.
"V's" free-flowing ability to talk and talk non-stop at length & speed, describing every minute/miniscule detail of time (till seconds),place,person (physical descriptions included), emotion and her ever-expanding memory can put a Pentium-5 microprocessor to shame.
Some of our engrossing talks centred around:

. Her mother's recent efforts to fatten her up and repeated comments on her waistlines from every quarter in her family. My jokes on her maintaining a supposed "size zero" frame were met with the same retorts of " I wont listen to anybody" as she mused over her cup of masala tea wshing for it to become invisible.

. One of her Chembur office managers whom she had just spotted a few tables away digging into a big sandwich. Not surprisingly she had "kind" words for her.

. Her favourite red dress which got oil-soaked accidentally which meant 400 bucks down the drain. (I expressed my desire for a kitchen cleaning cloth which attracted a stare and some sarcasm from her.)

. Her bestest friend "K" & "K's" boyfriend whom I had, by now, picturized as a person on the "to-be-met" list.

. Her dear cousins whom we have conveniently re-chirstened as "Katrina" & "Akki" respectively.

. Her new black bag which instantly attracted my attention even though I am no critic on women's accessories.

. Her dad (Took a major chunk of our time. Her tea had gone cold. Mine empty)

. Her work. (she audits people)

. IPL (Surprise, surprise?? Not a bit..she sees it for Rohit Sharma though my offers to buy his posters for her room were met with strong rejections.)

. Refreshing good old memories of the past 5 months (No, it wasnt doubt-clearing sessions on quadratic equations)

After almost 4 hrs which passed by unnoticed, we were thoroughly exhausted; she from the talking & I from the listening.
One of "V's" fervent complaints is that most people dont listen, they just hear. Point taken Sir. I did perform my duties well today. I mentally gave myself a pat on the back for the achievement.

Proof of the listening?? You just read it , mate !!


Regards


Vish

Deciphering corporate lingo

Its actually quite a puzzle to figure out what goes on in the minds of the top bosses of an organization. When the going is good, its supposed to be everyone's company and when its bad its my company and i kick u out. Weird huh??. Its during these "going good" times that the HR chips in with their quota of training-cum-competency development programmes. Moe often than not, these sessions are packed in the final weeks of the fiscal year when the HR dept eventually break their yr long slumber.
One such training session was spread over a whole week for the 1st week of march. It was one "designed" to sharpen & give shape to our already existing skills since it was supposed to be essential for "superior business performance to leverage the stregnths." There is something to the current fiscal status of a company and the discovery & use of new hi-fi management jargons. The relation is a very direct one would agree. An evidence for this was the very fromal mail for this training session. The mail for the training wasn't short of a wedding invitation although no one was willing to bet on whether it would be as enjoyable as one.It looked as if the Oxford dictionary had worked overtime for the mail and with its outrageous sprinkling of management fundas it sounded like a subtle. Some snippets:

The giant strides of progress we have made are in line with our larger goals for the next 5 years to meet our custemers latent desires.

What it means: We made 4 lac nos., we sold 3.8 lac nos. Not bad!! Next time make sure everything is pushed well into the market.

The fruits of success have finally begun to ripen. The architects of these herculean achievements are undoubtedly all of you. You have made yourselves & and your company proud.

What it means: Damn! i cant belive it! you guys managed to sell it all. How on earth did u do it??

We have achievements tremendous growth in sales & valuations despite the turbulent scenario, the skewed exchange rates, the volatile interest rates (some more rates). But we still shouldnt be happy!

What it means: You did good. ..Doesnt mean you ask for a raise. You wont get any. Remember what Lord krishna told arjuna in the Gita!

It that time of the year wherein you can revel in your success. Give yourselves a pat on the back. But make sure you dont rest on your laurels.

What it means: Party now! ITs now or never!! You never know when I will change my mind. Doesnt mean you take frequent leaves, you still have to report to work tomorrow. Work your a**es even harder now.

Its an example of how well the company vision has been cascaded to all levels with your consent & participation.

What it means: We have successfully drilled our ideoloy into your minds with absolutely no room for your stupid questions. We dont care whether you like it or not. If you dont like anything, learn to respect your bosses' decisions and learn to accept stuff as it is.

The goals we have set are not easy. The pitfalls are many, the hurdles insurmountable and the market unpredicatble.

What it means: I cant guranatee that you will be on the payroll of the company for too long. You are so gonna be screwed, baby!

Its that time when the grains are seperated from the chaff; The strong from the weak.

What it means: Only the luckiest sons of b****es will survive, others will have to find a job pretty soon!

And the strongest indication of strength is the posession of knowledge, skill & attitude all at once. This is what distinguishes the best from the ordinary.

What it means: The training will transform you into those lucky sons of b****es!

Your process is quite critical to the sound functioning of the sector to meet the future business challenges.

What it means: what would I do without you?

Hence it becomes inevitable that you are equipped with the necessary skills to manage & design new,improved & robust processes & systems for superior business performance.

What it means: I dont dont what its all about but I want you all at the training

The HR training & development team have conceptualised & designed the program in a way that will appeal to all and take care of your on-the-job training lacunae, if any.

What it means: My boss has received a complaint from Sr.VP HR that you guys treat them quite shabbily. i am getting jacked for no fault of mine!

It will be a 5-day long residential training session in-line with your functional training requirements. It will serve as the necessary break to re-assess and introspect our approach

What it means: Geez..You guys are on a company-paid holiday for a week. So what if it is just 80 km from Mumbai, dont expect us to take you to the beaches of Bahamas.

If any person, for any particular reason has contraints in attending the program, he/she is free to meet any of us.

What it means: We dont like "No" for an answer. We dont care what problems you have in life or what the program is all about. We want 100% attendance.



Regards

Vish

The weekend hike

My quota of travel for the season has just begun. I sincerely gave it a thought to have a twitter account just to contend with regular travel & still stay in touch with as many of my people. Morever, it is the new "in" thing in social networking; so they say. But I instantly shot down this idea for 2 particular reasons. Firstly, my brain seems to have reached all-time saturation levels and refuses to remember new passwords, IDs, secret questions (yes..these are absolute necessities if you forget passwords on a consistent basis). Secondly and most importantly,you need to have followers to be in twitter.

Having said that, the overtly mad craze for social networking hasn't showed any signs of subsiding yet. Or maybe it has just started. For the moment though, the bug doesnt seem to have bit me well enough. It was startling to be called a loser by one of my very close friends the other day just because I didnt know of a certain "fishville" game. Yeah right !!
Fishville, Farmville as amusing as the names of these games get, its almost as if you are from the stone-age if you haven't tried your hand at any of them. Personally, I was a die-hard sucker for orkut thanks to its user-friendly format. Despite the many changes it has undegone, the makers have made sure it requires no user-guide for anyone to maneouvre through. Virtual networking seems to have taken a backseat for me; u see nothing does match up to personalised physical presence.
And what better way to chill with mates than a 2 day hike on the weekend!

The ground-work for the hike had been laid out long ago thanks to a series of chain-mails fuelled by a certain Mr. "Yogi" who had made it absolutely clear by then that he wasn't really loaded with work. The result: As expected, it received an overwhelming response & a thumbs-up from the "trekking" junta.




Well, getting to the travel part of it. For a change it was a far-cry from the routine, boring supplier visits/out-door duties which are so much a part-n-parcel of the job. Infact it was a trip close to spirituality & history, quite far from the bustle of city life. Social networking would have been the last thing one anybody's list..(agreed..but then its always part of the list).




So finally, the 17 of us did set off on a 2-day hike to a place called Raigad. It is place loacated nearly 90 km from Mumbai, a fair distance from the Mumbai-Pune route. An amazing fort built by the great Maratha warrior-king Shivaji in the 17th century, in the environs of the massive Sahyadri mountain ranges (close in resemblance to the Grand Canyon), 2800 ft above sea-level!



To be honest, it wasnt as challenging or arduous a trek as some of the earlier ones were, where loosing your grip and slipping were common sights. Still, with 17 of us, there is always a strong lurking possibility that a few flashes of extreme dare-devilry could ruin the whole thing. Thankfully, the heroics were within palpable limits. It was just a 3 hr trek climbing up but the scorching heat ensured that by the time we reached the summit our energies had been sapped to nil.


As a matter of fact, unlike most other places, forts in Maharashtra are always on mountain tops. The topography of Maharashtra with its sprawling & sometimes treacherous ranges was an asset to the Maratha kings who preferred it that way since they were naturally gifted in mountaineering & guerilla tactics and could easily ward/fight off their enemies, especially the Mughals who preferred the plains.



A trek to any of these mountain-forts would leave you marvelling at how they were built at such seemingly inaccessible places at high altitudes complete with provisions for running a full-fledged city; markets, stables for horses & cattle, temples, granaries, water systems, massive palace courts, watch-towers & vigilance check points etc. All of which have managed to survive for centuries & now lie in ruins. Hats off to these super dare-devils and their fine sense of architecture too.



One notable feature was the highest point in Raigad called "Takmak Tok". It drops down almost vertically into the valley. Centuries ago, serious crimes had only one punishment- Death. The criminal would be tied up with ropes , put in a sack and would be thrown down this spot. Seriously, there is something about history that sends shivers down your spine, more so when you imagine it happen.

Some things which do not change irrespective of the trek - the relentless Dumb Charade & Antakshari sessions (preparations for which start almost a month in advance), intense photo sessions (outrageous poses) which serve as a serious impediment if you want to complete the trek in the stipulated time.
Nevertheless, here are a few "drops" from the "ocean"

Regards

Vish

Ajab CAT ki ghazab kahaani !

Strange things happen! Technology does come up with its share of betrayals especially when it is looked upon as an ever-reliable enabler. At a time when most Bollywood hits bombed at the box-office and a sudden vacuum in T20 cricket, the online CAT'09 served as the perfect blockbuster with some much-needed action. It had all the ingredients which any die-hard fan would normally associate with a 2 n half hr long Bolly film/ T20 match. There was action, drama, thrill, suspense.. (er..no romance here).. No marks for guessing who the villans & victims were. Whats more, as is the case every year, its cash registers were ringing with the moolah of 2.4 lac young, eager & unassuming students who were in for a surprise! A real rude one! Dawn the 28th of December, disaster struck on the 1st day itself as a supposed virus/bug broke through, rendering all the arrangements ineffective, causing the CAT to flunk its first day. IIMs blamed the virus, students blamed the IIMs and the test-agency,the test ageny blamed the PCs. Whats more, there were concerns of re-tests which contributed to the blood-bath for the next few days.

The 5th day; 2nd of of Nov and the 30 odd cities with 300 something CAT centres geared up for the test which would be spread over the remaining period of days. Mumbai had its share of 5 centres to cater to the student population. Each centre had both morning & evening sessions. The morning sessions begun at 10.30 sharp and most candidates were advised, pretty wisely, to report 2 hrs in advance to their repective centres to complete the set of rituals before the Computer Based test and, most importantly, get accustomed to a PC in front of you for the exam instead of a paper & pen. The feel at the examination centres was just so "not-exam-like". In contrast to the normal paper-pen exam, there were no parents waiting with bated breath outside the exam rooms like husbands outside maternity wards, no herds of students wielding their class notes like AK-47's, no mad frenzy in the air.
The only thing in the air was the stench from the garbage lorry stationed adjacent to the gate of the college which was my exam centre. The man at the entrance stopped me & grunted for my identity. I shoved everything into his hand as if he were a airport security officer. He pretended to understand & read the info (obviosuly printed in english)and then stepped aside to permit me in. A mini-line stood at the stairs and each of us were given our respective floor numbers, classes & PC nos. As I made my way upstairs, there was yet another mini-queue where screening was done "airport-style" minus the X-ray machine & metal detector. The only difference being that our pockets were turned outside-in, all the contents consfiscated & sealed in plastic bags usually reserved for storing perishables.
I then proceeded to the plush, AC-filled room which housed 30 computers. 2 well-dressed dudes, rather over-dressed dudes who donned dark blue aprons were seated in the first row. I failed to understand the logic behind this outrageous dress sense which would have otherwise sounded suitable in a scientific laboratory.
One of them grunted for my paper content and I gave it to him..What was this?? Some kind of a grunt fest or rudeness competition? After the verification, I was summoned to sit in the chair facing the cam connected to the computer and my pic was taken. Finger prints from both hands were taken. Wow! all this sounded straight out of a Holly flick where a bank locker housed a billion dollars with Z-level security to protect it.
The biometrics over, I was given 2 HB pencils,an eraser, a rough sheet,a do's & Donts laminated sheet and directed to my PC where my just-taken photo flashed on the upper-right corner of the screen. "Not bad" i thought as I momentarily gazed at it and mentally gave myself a pat on the back, wondering whether it would easily qualify as one of my best & chic display pictures in orkut or facebook. I instantly shook off the thought reminding myself that it was pretty ridiculous to think of social networking just an hr before the CAT exam. And in any case, even if I demanded the pic for my personal use, Mr. grunt wouldnt so much as hand it over in a flash for anything in the world.
As the minuites ticked by, students/candidates trickled in. Both my "neighbours" has come now. Both were girls (not that i expected girls swarming around in the CAT examination). And it wouldnt have made a difference; the guy-tendency to stare at females seems to evaporate in the face of competition, no matter how much estrogen is present in the hall at the given time. I shared a polite " good luck" smile with each of them and they shared a smile which bordered on "good luck" & "baby, we are so screwed!".
The one on the right wore a orange kurta n jeans and the one on the left was in a magenta salwar. Unlike most mumbai girls who are intrested in appearances of other girls & hell-bent on making style statements, fashion,for these 2 girls, seemed secondary . Both looked like they had been locked up in a room filled with CAT-study material for the past one year. Their lack of interest in the activity around them and their nerdy demeanour made it absoultely clear to me that they would surely crack it & get calls from at least 4 of the 7 IIMs.

35 minutes to go. The entire class, by now, was subjecting itself to "pre-examination mannerisms": visitng the wash-rooms, having a glass of water, some even sharpening their already sharpened pencils, some adjusting their shirts as if it was an interview, some dudes praying silently, some trying hard to remember complex quants formulae and a few like me sitting quietly and studying the desktop. I picked up the "Dos & Dont's" sheet, printed on both sides. As per universal norm, the "Dont's" seem to exceed the "Do's". Our movements would be monitored constantly by cameras to catch cheaters, it read. Now, this was truly Z-class!!

15 minutes from the start..Mr Grunt and his friend went over each computer and logged a big password and ID and came to a page which requested yet another password n ID. Then came a tutorial page which ,it said, would give us the feel of the exam. The tutorial over, we were then directed to the test link which required a good 3 minutes to upload and at 10.00 am sharp the big T20 test for me started.

Regards

Vish

Corporate culture

As I swipe my card and enter the brightly-lit, plush office which wears its corporate aura yet again at the dawn of a new day; I hear the usual phone calls, telecon sessions, vendor bashing, shortages,inventories, feasability talk, cost,quality,delivery,dispatch,...poooh.

But yet I somehow feel out of place.

Then I walk to where my work cubicle is and I fail to identify which one is mine (especially if everything's in the right place).
Not surprising if you are travelling half the month.

And then the boss/bosses notice that they havent seen me for ages and just as I put my back-side to rest and attempt to seat myself conmfortably, there is invariably an interrogation session around the corner.

Good morning. Where have you been? Long time, yaar!!" Trying their utmost to sound like long-lost pals at their cheerful and calming best, as if I had just returned from a vacation in Disneyland.

Where have you been??
You ought to know where I have been since its you who delegates work and you get paid for doing it, right?


" Sir, I had to attend to some pending development issues in of "A" project at "X" supplier in "B"city and then had to rush off all of a sudden to Y vendor."
(Damn supplier X & Supplier Y. They could easily win oscars for spoiling some else's holiday!)

Then what follows is a full-on, 10-minute verbal report of X & Y vendors.
The verbal report serves its purpose of calming any unfound fears, if there were any,that I was on a paid holiday under the pretext of "official" duty.

" So, developments on in full swing, huh?" cuts in one of the other bosses who it seems is having a field day with no work to do.
(That, these days, seems a very common phenomenon since the "delegating" job doesnt take much time.)

Weekends for are at a premium these days!
And if there ever was a long one,
(A long weekend for me is a non-working Saturday & Sunday)it invariably does end up in travel within town.
The previous weekend had come came with its share of travails. Not that it bothered me much since I had just completed a 3-day soujourn of Chennai & Nashik.

Friday was supposed to be a half-day which ended up being a hectic full-day thanks to "What's Your Rashee?". As it was, the only two things that seemed intresting were priyanka and the ttitle track. (The guy who recommended the movie was lucky enough to escape getting bashed up or paying a re-fund to the 12 of us who went for it carrying high hopes.).
And then we waited, with bated breaths & increased desperation,for what we call as the "honeymoon" period.
Yes you heard it right!
The Sept-to-Nov period is what i call the "honeymoon" period for most employees. Usually peppered with a series of festivals, it easily qualifies as the most unproductive season of the financial year as far as work is concerned.
Most blokes wouldnt care working just weeks before the festivities begin, since its the "run up-to-the-event" time and no one's in the "mood" to slog.
And guess what? No one's prepared to work after the fun gets over, since they are yet to shake off the festive "mood" (hangover as some may call it)!!

Good god, such strange ways of keeping away work! (Just say "No", that will do!)


Regards

Vish

IPL fever

If ever there was a very colourful outburst of glitz, glamour, hype n hoopla, color and lights with a sea of people thrown in, it wouldnt have matched the IPL. Add to this 2 things which make India go crazy: Bollywood & cricket and every logic goes for a toss. The initial build-up to the IPL by virtue of its aggressive media campaign splashed all over the newspapers, TV, net & radio was something any marketing guy could learn from.
This massive IPL seduction ensured that the other IPL (Indian political league, which so many channels had cunningly christened to garner some miniscule viewership) had to be content with a shrinking fan-following.Surely, it did overshadow the election drama which failed to make an impact, at least in mumbai. Mumbai with its extended weekend had only 2 out of 5 people polling. Appalling to say the least, considering the whole hue n cry raised after 26/11 and the 'wake up' campaign. And you thought educated people would go all out to vote.

Anyways, back to IPL,some very interesting things of note;

1) The spotlight was more on the owners than on the performers. Rather it seemed as if the owners 'paid n performed' rather than 'paid the players to perform'.

2) Controvery stalked SRK like his shadow.
His gimmick of distributing golden mukuts failed miserably.
His 4-captain theory was rubbished by the pundits and thrown into the dustbin even before it came into effect ( A very popular anecdote doing the rounds on sms suggested that the 1st captain was for the toss, the 2nd for choosing the team, the 3rd for effecting the field changes and the 4th as a substitute captain)

3) Yet another anecdote on SRK after his team took a beating from every other team in the tournament was the one which likened him to Mahatma gandhi since both of them were 'insulted' in south africa!

Fair say..The knight riders had their daylights knocked out


4) Rains played spoil-sport in the initial parts of the tournament and transformed the T-20 matches into T-10 & T-5 matches (glimpse of the future??).The mathematicians had to work overtime to calculate the new scores. And the players were paid millions.

5) Men were auctioned off to the respective franchisees to the tune of millions. The only time when Shilpa & Preity would have fancied fighting over a man( in real life).

6) Man of the match awards have gone out of the window the window after Preity's "Jaadoo ki jhaapis". Shilpa" Hot" Shetty could well have her own brand of cricket (different bats,balls,cricket gear etc) just like "shilpa yoga".

7) JP duminy - $ 950000, Kevin pietersen - $ 1550000, Dada - $ 1092000.
Cheer-girls - $$$$$$$.....Priceless.

There are some things money cannot buy and those are the most attractive ones!

8) PVI - Paisa Vasool Index which measured the performance + brand value of a player, was invented . (Not long ago we discovered the zero)


9) Lalit would have had his heart in his mouth firstly when the elections knocked off any ideas he entertained of having an 'Indian' IPL and when the heavens opened up in south Africa. But he is currently on a splurging his excesses albeit for charity work in SA.

10) Its becoming increasingly difficult to decide which team to support.
I have changed my allegiance at least 4-5 times now.

(It started off with rajasthan since they won the last time, they failed miserably this time - > Mumbai indians 'cos of a dashing opening partnership, till their losing spree started...then chennai and lately its Kings Punjab. I luv Preity tll then..)


Regards

vish

Corporate culture - Part 1

There's more to work than just the desk,the PC, the heaps of files and documents,bosses,suppliers and the likes. Each day (day in office I mean) is an event in itself. but some things never change.I have ,quite flawlessly, managed to maintain my (unofficial) reporting time as 9 am ,every day; which is actually a very blatant, 15-min violation of the official time of 8.45 am. Without sounding proud or emphatic, I should say "its an art well mastered". Even in my wildest dreams, never have I fantasised myself swiping in at the official company time.

Just as I trudge into our posh, brightly-lit office, I am greeted by a half-filled office which makes me look like an early bird. Not surprising!!I give myself a pat on the back, mentally. Then the junta starts trickling in slowly but gradually. Some people wait with bated breath and count down seconds for the shrill 'breakfast' bell to ring at 9.30 which is a signal for everyone to put down everything before them and have a bite. A few minutes later, the 'breakfast' place strewn with samosa or 'bhajji' pieces and cups of tea resembles a battle-field thanks to some clumsy idiots who haven't been given a crash-course on eating properly.

As i make my way back to my place, to my right, I find 'Shaktimaan' seated comfortably in his place, typing away furiosuly on his lappie and debating hard with a supplier on a quote I guess . Shaktimaan (obviosuly not his original name) has been christened so because of his daunting, 'Salman'esque frame and a heavy walk to go with it. His (body-hugging) shirt looks like it could tear off any second due to his Popeye-like bulges. He is known to follow a very religious health regimen at the company gym despite his busy schedule. Shaktimaan's intimidating physique is enough to psyche out all his suppliers to the point of ' no more negotiations'. Shaktimaan in his new role has been buried under heaps of responsibility lately and he still plays mentor to 'Virus'.

'Virus', 'Viral fever', 'Tame tiger' whatever you say, points to just one person. Seated in the cubicle adjacent to shaktimaan, you are forgiven for mistaking him for a 8th grade school boy. He gives you that confused look that seems to suggest that he hasnt spoken for ages in an otherwise boisterous department. Some people even observed that the last time they heard him talk was when he had conducted the morning meeting on Monday, a good 2 months ago. He is the junior-most addition to the department and touted to be the dept's bright future.

"Viral" shouts Shaktimaan and gives him the 'khunnas' look as if he would bash him up then n there. Viral gets up with a start, half startled by the sudden call of duty. Shaktimaan asks Viral for a blow-by-blow account of the activities which he was supposed to complete just like a school headmaster asking a child the status of the previous day's homework. Viral apprises him accordingly. Shaktimaan gives him the 'satisfied' look and along with it a few words of wisdom. Viral then starts off work in his trademark fashion which appears like a slow-motion sequence from a movie; be it removing a file from his shelf or typing a mail. I meanwhile, manage to wave a quick 'Hi' to Viral.

Sai Baba looks on, as he sees Shaktimaan sounding some instructions to Viral. Baba is amused to the core. This morning he has carved out a special look moustache like one of those heavily-loaded telugu movie stars. Baba is famous for his versatile cooking skills which could put any living female to shame. Easily one of the most shrewed guys around, he is one capable of arranging a training session on notoreity ("jhol" as we call it). He can be heard giving the supplier an earful. But the catch here being that he doesnt distinguish between genders and that sounds awfully confusing to the listener.

"Sir, tere ko pata nahi target date kab hain. Material kab laayegi?
Material kabhi aayegi. AAyegi ki nahi aayegi?" (Pauses)..
"Tu mere ko commitment date do" (Bangs the receiver into the resting position, sits expressionless).

A cubicle even further away is 'Yogi' who has worn a'happy' look this morning due to the absence of his boss who literally 'stares him in the face' while at work. He dials he number and as the voice answers he starts of in customary fashion.

" Hello? Hasmukh bhaai..main yogi baat kar raha hoon... Aaaj kya banaa raha hain?? Achcha theek hain, 200 piece bhej do."

Kya bana rahaa hain??? Now, What kind of a question is that supposed to be??? It would have made sense had he posted the same query to the halwaai-waalaaa or the roadside chaat-waalaa after seeing the menu-card.
Anyways,Yogi seems to float around in a world of his own completely unmindful of what is happening around him. He is perhaps the tallest guy in the whole of the company and the primary target of all his banter is his immediate neighbour 'Saab' and 'cheerleader'.

Saab is a part of a very rare species which is a combination of a metallurgy and an MBA degree in marketing. Formally dressed, bespectacled, oily hair side-parted to perfection to the smallest micron and an aura of a scholarly saintliness. And then you realize why the name is 'Saab'. Hearing him speak, you cant help but wonder if he was actually paid to sell ideas or really outrageous fundaas. People are still willing to bet their money on what his responsibility in the organization actually is. But for the moment, he is seen as the partner-in-crime to none other than 'Bala'.

Then suddenely the momentary silence is interrupted by a very familiar female voice.
"Chalo, Lunch..Lunch ke liye jaate hain."

Enter the cheerleader!
The outdoor expeditions and picnics that she is part of earn much more coverage than her office work. Infact there are times when you can see her working too. Although she wouldnt admit, but her fetish for a lean figure makes sure she counts the number of grains of rice on her plate. C'mon, a lone chapati hardly qualifies as 'lunch'! And she ponders over it for ages till it begs and cries to be eaten.
Her fervent calls for coffee breaks in the late afternoons have dwindled somewhat in recent times. Her flirtatious exchanges with 'Saab' are a notable feature, but Saab appears too busy (with what??) and steadfast to fall for it.

As the clock strikes 6, the cheerleader is the first to pack up what looks like a shopping bag. The others pretend as if they are still enagaged in 'important' work (some really are). By 7.30, the whole office wears an empty look.

And you thought it was just about work!!

Regards

Vish

Socialite Activism

6 weeks after 26/11 and the outrage which most people had nursed for a while seems to have evaporated into thin air. Interesting to note, that the most vociferous voices against the carnage were those of the South Mumbai socialites a.k.a socialite activists. Yes socialite activists are the "in" thing when it comes to public expression or voicing his shortcomings.They are the ones who who call the shots: From politician bashing to representing the aam aadmi (whomever it may be)

So who exactly is a socialite activist?? Well, he/she (mostly its a 'she', apologies for the gender bias guys) has to fulfil the following criteria to be accorded the status of a socialite activist (SA):

1) Should be a regular on the Page 3 party circuit in Mumbai

2) Should have lived all his/her life in South Mumbai or if not then had a remote connection to someone living down there.

3) Should essentially be one of these
A model/super-model who has been branded "unhot" and dumped into oblivion by the ramp-gurus.

An actor/actress who hasnt been bagging any roles lately due to fall-out with major banners or someone who has been labelled "uncle/aunty" by the audience and lost favour with them.

A tv serial actor/actress who doesnt even fit in as a judge in reality shows and has taken refuge in tv commercials.

A loser author whose books'pages are now used by the chaat-waalaa to serve bhel-puri.

A theatre personality who hasnt been able to draw crowds to his boring Shakespearean plays/dramas.

A social activist/human rights activist who has been the pin-up boy/girl for many an andolan/agitation thanks to the media romance.

A local restaurant/spa/beauty parlour owner who wasnt doing business till 26/11 and got 5 times as much customers after the incident just by showing to TV that his/her place was targetted,partly damaged and he/she escaped unhurt.

A top-notch columnist in a news daily whose daily crap doesnt make much sense anymore.


4) Should be someone who can easily bullshit with an air of sophistication about them and wants to share a piece of the limelight.

And what bigger platform for these colorful personalities than the one built by our media. The media was lauded from all quarters for their (constructive) role in portraying the groud realities during the operation. It has to be said that barring a few jingoistic news channels, the majority of them showed uncanny restraint in reporting the events without actually becoming a hindranceto the ongoing operations.
But they had other ideas. The news channels ,drunk on praise, decided to go overboard with their sympathy & anger hysteria aftermath the operation.

It would have been a different story had there been a panel of the common people on the talk shows. Instead, the representatives of the aam aadmi, the SAs were on the panel for the discussions. One such show had an expensive silk saree-clad buxom lady of medium build,with presumably 5 layers of make-up done, thoroughly "lip-sticked", streaked hair and to go with it an obvious swagger. I tell you, the camera is such a powerful invention. It captures the most subtle features & mannerisms. She was a noted human rights activist they said, although she looked as if she had lost her way to one of those frequent art gallery exhibitions in tinseltown. Or maybe she didn't know how to dress up for the moment since occasons such has this dint occur on a daily basis.
She expressed 'deep outrage and shock' at the attacks. Being a resident of south mumbai she felt more 'insecure and unsafe than before'. She was feeling 'helpless and confused'. Then her helplessness gave way to anger all of a sudden. She wanted 'heads to roll'. When questioned who was to be held responsible she flipped her streaked hair back and with her characteristic swagger said that it was 'us' (The common man she meant) since we elected the politicians. Some politician bashing followed and then the host decided he had had enough of her and then told her to shut up politely.
The second SA on the panel was an actor with an enviable string of flops to his credit ( if that is something worth envying). He couldnt have put a foot right in bollywood even by mistake. Girls had forsaken him ages ago and so had "hits". He was dressed in his customary body-hugging Tee, trying to look cool and casual. His talk was something akin to what the 1st lady had said ,albeit it had a dash of hi-fi vocab thrown in. Words like "dismantling the terror infrastructure"," increased surveillance mechanisms", "accountable governance" were clearly missing from the 1st SA.

Then a noted lyricist, a mad economist,a renowned fashionista, a bearded theatre personality, an ad guru followed. Some of their common rants being:

. The two hotels were their favourite hang-out places/2nd homes from their days of yore.

.The wine in the two places was unparalleled. Look at the bar now, its lying in shambles.

. They were not going to celebrate the new year. (Baah..most hotels had cancelled off new yr plans by then and parties were to be low-key events. So basically this was a subtle way for these SAs to say " I have nowhere to go dude".)

.I want heads to roll. I want good intelligence. I want answers. I want explanations. I want the sun, the moon, the stars...

.Mumbai's spirit will never die nor will it stop.It fights back everytime it is under crisis. ( It was almost like getting your ear drilled hearing it for the umpteenth time. Boss, I cant stop going to work for fear of being bombed or attacked.Can I?)

. We the people are responsible for the carnage. We are electing them (Someone please tell these guys that we can only elect among the candidates thrown at us.)

.Terror Infrastructure dismantling, Accountable governance, Increased Intel Surveilance mechanisms...

On the brighter side, some positives did come out. The administration underwent a shake-up change. Some attributed it to the strong show of public strength at The gateway of India which had candle-light marches and peaceful demonstrations whre the SAs tried hard to mingle with the commoners and join in. The media made merry, they had a 'big story' to report, they had achieved their goal of what they called citizen journalism.

6 weeks on, the SAs are back to doing what they did best: page 3 parties,socializing, art exhibitions, ribbon-cutting ceremonies

As they say, It happens only in mumbai



Regards


Vishwesh

Social Net-working or not-working?

This was about a year ago. I got the shock of my life one sunday morning when my inbox welcomed me with 60-odd new mails. Being a sunday, I had time on my hands to go through each one of them before I could decide whether to retain it or delete it. Most of these mails were 'invitations' from different people, known(Read: jobless friends) and unknown. These were invitations to join and be a part of their friend circle on some not-so-popular social networking sites. I tried my hand at accepting the invitations, which involved filling lengthy registrations forms like the ones normally enountered while filling applications to uiversity programs.Then you were to choose ur 'cool' IDs and passwords. I did all of this and then all of this disappeared into oblivion for me.
Then a new batch of invitations to yet newer sites would find their way into my mail-box. Over the period i have got smarter and have reduced the burden on my already grief-stricken mailbox.
But social networking is here to stay and it is the in thing. It was a phenomenon which kicked off about 3 yrs back in India and since then ther has been no looking back. The e-mail rendered the letter useless, the instant messaging 'chat' replaced the e-mail and now its the 'scrap' which reigns supreme. Orkut and Facebook take the cake, though orkut is the more popular one in India. Most social networking sites have a structure which resembles the bio-data often submitted during job-interviews which includes:
The professional,
personal,
'About me' section and the 'interests ' section to top it all
On an average a startling 75% of the male population uses social networking to hook up (or make an attempt at hooking up) with a person of the opposite sex. The reason is simple,these sites link different people through list, circles,mutual friends etc and a lot many people project themselves openly. Well for once, even the most shy or dumb guy got his 'chance'.

Things most common on social networking sites, especially orkut:

1) Each guy has the current hot actor's pic as his display picture to avoid any embarassment while inviting any girl to join his circle.

2) For girls the display picture features either their favourite actress or things like flowers/puppies/kittens/ or anything according to them that qualifies as cute.

3) Most people are proud of the number of scraps they own. Some cant even count the number of zeroes in the number of scraps they own.

4)The worst friendship invitations a.k.a pick-up lines cane be easily discovered here. Sample it for yourself:


hey sweety i went thru your profile/....and then traced this community of thy....
1).u look damn sweet n say

2). hi wanna be my friend?

3)WOuld u like FRIENDSHIP with me .

4)If u wish and like then reply fast my friend.

5)hey girly u got a nice smile haaa

6) hi dear
u dere?
can i be ur fri?
my name his XYZ

7) so dear,
u like pets lot write ?? note the 'write'

8) hello, thx fr acceptin the request....

9)hi dear,
i need ur help.....pls scrap back into my scrapbook too

10) "Hey i like your smile/eyes/ears/nose. so, can we be friends?"

11) " Hey, will you please accept the hand of friendship from me?" (I can't see any hand)


5) Most of the so-called pick-up lines are hoplessly loaded with grammatical errors and the result of it is completely distorted and meaningless lines.
( I am a compete fan of these lines and there are many 'communities' n groups which are dedicated to celebrate these friendship lines.)

6) On the flip-side, if it weren't for orkut, no girl would get requests/invites and she wouldnt feel like a princess.


7)Orkutting is now the most sophisticated way of time-pass.It involves a lot many features and add-ons these days.

8) Most school students score really bad in English thanks to the poor quality/hip language used in such sites.

"Watcha Doin" replaces "What are you doing"
"Ssup" replaces " What is up with you?"

wa88, gr88 etc have done their bit of damage.

So if u bleve in orktn pls. dnt frgt to read this.it ll do wndrs to ur alredy spoilt languge and ll mke sure u dnt join oder social ntwrkin sites and waste ur prcious tym.

Regards

Vish

Female Quotient

The Sunday newspaper does throw up something intresting in the midst of all the Nuke Deal chaos, the ballooning inflation and the grief-stricken stock market. Well as amusing at it may sound, there's something called a women's vodka. Yes,a drink exclusively for women. The latest addition to the list which celebrates 'female'dom. Women's day, Women's cream, a Women's radio station,women's reservation, woman mail etc etc.
And now women's vodka! I was pleasantly surprised no one had made a big deal about it, either on TV or radio. It could be because of 3 things (besides ,of course,poor marketing strategy): maybe women find it too sissy to celebrate 'being a woman' and stuff like that, maybe they really dont care or both.
Well, guys do have a point when they say that its not a 'man's world' as it is so often, made out to be. And girls too being the true "fight-until-death" species would argue otherwise, saying the are the worthy ones. A lot had been said and written about the so-called gender war. Most of this being very conveniently exploited by commercial movies to the fullest for producing typical candy-floss entertainment which, if viewed now, are.. Yawn!
Anyways, breaking the cliche and being unorthodox is and has always been the trend.

Below is a questionnaire for the fairer sex. Hope you like it and I hope you manage to read the whole thing. The more the negatives, the more your FQ or female quotient is. So, Go on, Why should guys have all the fun!

Complete the sentence
. Behind every successful man...

1) There is a woman (-100)

2) There is a woman who wonders "How did he become successful with me around?" (-150)



. Most girls think ...

1) Every guy is an a**hole. (-10)

2) Every guy, except her favourite film hero, is an a**hole.(-50)

3) Guys are normal. (0)



. If a guy doesnt give you the attention you seek, doesnt indulge you in sweet talk or basically sounds dis-interested in you, your reaction would be

1) "I think he's gay. He isnt straight." (Grapes are Sour). (5)

2) " Thinks he is some Big VIP or something..snob! Er.. is he looking this side by any chance? " (-15)

3) " Never seen such a MCP in my life.(Male Chauvinist Pig, if u havent figured that out). Doesnt know how to talk to a girl." (-20)

4) " Damn boring. Nothing 'Happening' about him. Arre, just imagine...like..I stood near him and he dint notice me for like 10 minutes!! whoa! By the way, am I looking too fat.?" (tugs at the bottom of her 'top' as if there is a mirror visible only to her.) (-10)


. If the same guy were to give you the 'interested' look,the attention you seek or tries to indulge you in sweet talk and ask you out, your reaction would be:

1) " Cheap Flirt! I know what your intentions are, Mister." (10)

2) " So you say I am the one ,huh? Or am I number 31?" (15)

3) "Akeli ladki ko chedte sharam nahi aati, Ghar mein ma-behen nahi hain kya?" (5)

4) " You cheapo,womaniser! How disgusting can you get." (20)

5) " Actually..Er..can we just be good friends." (-100)

6) " Dont worry bro, very soon you will get hooked." (-200)



. When a guy talks about Angelina Jolie, Jessica Alba, Bips,Aishwarya and the likes. you would

1) Say "Oh puh-lease" , feel utterly disgusted and start bitching about the above actresses, and villify them to the point of hate. (-1000)

2) (Smile expectedly) "Boys will be boys." (-10)

3) (Sarcasm)"All you men are the same." (-50)

4) (Disguested expression) " You guys are all sick." (-50)

5)(Give your guy a look as if he had watched porn) "You pervert!" (-100)



.You are in the theatre and there is love scene, in which the lead couple is holding hands and whispering dialogues with absolutely no other action for the next 10 minutes.

1)You say " Aww..how cute!" in a soft and girlie tone. (-90)

2)Slap and Wake your guy up. (-100)

3) .. And tell him " See duffer! This is called romance. Learn it" (-1000)

4)Expect your guy to assume you are better than the actress and pester him to enact the same scene daily with you. (- 5000)



. Men make a big fuss about how women are a mystery and how they cant understand what women actually want. Women want

1) unconditional love. (0)

2) A guy = Her Favourite Bolly actor + Her favourite Indian male super-model + her favourite singer + Sanjay kapoor (remember Khaana Khazaanaa on TV??)+ an inustrialist, all rolled in one. (-5)

3) A Guy who is sweet, caring, loving, affectionate,... BLAH
( BLAH = a list of 1490 common adjectives commonly used by every girl for describing the concept of something called a "dream man",common on social networking sites) (-100000...)



. Your favourite question/exclamation of all time would be?

1) " Am i looking good?" (-25)

2) " Is she slimmer and hotter or am I?" (-50)

3) " This color/dress/ring/necklace suits me ki that color/dress/ring/necklace?" (-75)

4) " Who is She?" (-100)

5) " How Sweet/Rude!" (-150)

6) " Oh puh-leaze, Grow up guys!!" (-200)


. You find this girl in a party, much better-looking than you,who's got all the male- company, conducts herself pretty well. Your next-day girl gossip would be as follows:

1)Say good things about her during your gossip session. (+ infinity..You can skip this option!!)

2)Make a face as if you dint care one bit but deep inside you are burning and reminding yourself that " She's a Bitch and I feel like killing her". (-100)

3)Say " Bohot attitude dhika rahi thi woh." And make faces,imitate her walk and talk. (-200)

4)Say " Gosh, did you see her dress. Her dress sense was shaming and appalling. (And you buy and wear the same dress a few days later.) (-300)



. As a girl,Your favourite pastime would be..

1) Shopping, bargaining and spending on stuff (-20)

2) ...which is expensive and of absolutely no use to you (-200)

3). Swiping credit cards (-25)

4) ...which are obviously not yours (-250)

5) Make the guy carry the shopping bags without paying him coolie charges (350)



Do calculate your Female Quotient and let me know.



Regards


Vishwesh

A rainy day

As kids,I remember, our first essay of english class from 3rd to 5th grade would be titled " A Rainy Day". And we used to write it without an iota of suffering, destruction or misery mentioned in it,making it sound almost next to a fairy-tale.

Today was just the opposite. It poured on unmercifully for almost the first half of the day. I Got stuck in the middle of nowhere and somehow made it,past mini-rivers, to work. Comin back was easy though as the weather had easened up.
200 mm of rain was recorded today. Almost a fifth of the downpour experienced on 26/7. Its the start of july and the next 2 months will be tough; the peak season so to speak.
I am already in the process of setting up a mini house in my office cubicle, with the luxury of bare necessities like a towel, extra sock and other dressing accessories. I am sure many of you would have done pretty much the same thing or would be doing it soon.
Nevertheless, today was nighmarish for many. For a brief period, I guess, transport services were hit, but otherwise it was life as usual.It was just sufficient enough to remind people of that dreadful day which is still fresh in minds even after 3 monsoons.

Health to all!

Regards

Vishwesh

Monsoon Raaga!

I cursed under my breath,as I stood in the bus,struggling hard to pull the wallet from my pocket which was covered by layers and layers of armour (Read rain-jacket and 'rain pant'). The wretched thing showed no signs of coming out and slipped deeper each time. The onlookers a.k.a the seated people watched on as if I was the chief clown performing at the russian circus and it was show-time.One more addition to murphy's laws: The closer the bus conductor is to you, the more time it will take you to dig the damn thing out of your pocket. And by the time you shell out the notes, they are already dripping wet!

Well,the rains are here with the usual bang. Been a week of action.
"Please Dont be santhusht. Thoda aur wish karo", thats what the rain-gods seemed to say as the skies opened up.And we have already got a trailer of what we'll be seeing for the next 4 months. Same story though!
The showers come with pin-point accuracy every year something that the Met dept here is not noted for. And they have been a source of much-needed respite from the near unbearable drip-drop,sweaty and humid conditions that the city experienced during the summer.Mumbai's murkiest, dirtiest, mushiest(pun so obvious),slushiest and perhaps its most romantic season is back.
I had my first drench on my way back from work. Felt nice. It felt so blissful, even after numerous rain-baths, year after year. Mom dint think so.
In most flood-prone areas here, stuff like ropes, boats, nets etc are kept handy days before,to face a possible flood situation 'baywatch ishtyle'. Most people who reside at the lower floors of buildings in such areas vacate days before, to escape a watery grave. Ask even a 4th grader here which places would perenially be under water and he would rattle a dozen names,faster than his geography lessons.

The BMC is at the recieving end yet again for the slippery roads, pot-holed roads and roads under construction which are dug up exactly a day before the rains come. Perfect timing!
And the mother of them all: The American consulate sounded an advisory to all americans who are in mumabi or who plan to visit mumbai in this period. No, not a terrorist strike or blast scare.
It reads "When in mumbai,Beware of open manholes. Dont venture out too much." Ok, agreed that each year the notoreity of the monsoons assumes dangerous proportions. But this is ridiculous man!! Hahahaha, travel advisory!

Hot tips:

In Mumbai everything goes down the drain, except for the rain water. True.Very true during the high tide.
.High tide + heavy rains = full-too flooding + you having to swim in flood waters.

High tide timings are important. Dont venture anywhere near the sea, unless you are serious about suicide.

.Open manholes. Walk in a chain, if you are a group. If one falls, the others are there to pull him/her. If the others fall, not your fault.

.If you cant form chains and you cant see ahead while wading through the water, then play " Follow the leader." If the person before you goes missing after some time, then choose a different path.

. For heavens' sake keep yourself clean after coming home at least! Leptospirosis is now becoming a common word, although people can't spell it. It's caused by rat urine. Obviosuly, you cant stop the rat but you can care for yourself.

.Most importantly, keep off the Eastern Express highway as much as possible,especially the vikhroli-ghatkopar stretch (now nicknamed the 'road to death'). The reason: 136 accidents in just 5 days. A certain chemical called 'mast' turned out to be in surplus while laying the road. Add to that the rains which made sure that the vehicles on the 10 km long stretch were in for a slippery, skiddy ballerina show.

.Try to minimise travel. (I know its its next to impossible)

. When stuck in a traffic jam, dont get too frustrated. The guy in the posh Honda Accord is also feeling the same pinch. See, the monsoon is a great leveller; it teaches you to be patient. (I know, by now you have made up your mind to kick me)

. People who own cars: Carry out pre-monsoon checks of batteries, tyres, maintenance of your car including wipers and top-up the fuel of your car during the monsoon

.Hammer is a handy tool: To break the glass on the driver's window from the
middle/centre, in case of an auto-lock system failure if you are stuck in a car say for about 8-14 hrs.

.Thick long nylon rope at least 20 metres long with a hook to be kept in
the dicky.Just in case..

.Keep dry and non -perishable food items in a vacuum container in some quantity. Dry fruits are recommended for pet-pooja.

.In a disaster- like situation instead of trying to reach home,first reach the nearest acquaintance.

.Also, carry a whistle with you. Remember Kate Winslet in 'Titanic'?

. Last but not the least, get a life. Stop cursing the BMC or the administration. You wont gain much by blaming other people. You are the one in charge of yourself.

Regards

Vishwesh

Global Masala!

A few weeks ago, the revered US prez stated that the global food shortage and price rice was thanks to developing economies in asia (Read India and china) wherein the middle class had become 'pretty rich' and more spendthrift towards their basic needs. Well tried Mr. Bush! But we dont celebrate thanksgivings over here!
Not long ago many of us awoke to a terrible phenomenon that India was subject to. It was called brain-drain which cost our country something more than crores n crores of rupees - talent, good talent!! The craze to study in the elite IITs, IIMs and strike it big in "Amreeka" was first and foremost on evry youngsters' mind. US visa, permanent citizenship,Silicon valley, masters, Harvard,Dow jones were the buzzmords. Then came the 'LPG' (Liberalisation,Privatisation,Globalisation) era. India opened up well and truly to the world. Many lamented that Inida was committing harakiri and would never come out of it. India caught a cold each time its big brother sneezed.

But the years to follow were something very unlike it. The India growth story finally unfolded. Bollywood overtook Hollywood. Tata took over corus, JLR. Jumbo vada-pav replaced burgers for a change. Indian fashion flooded international markets.NRIs gave up their high-paying jobs abroad and rushed to india. Bingo!4 of the top 10 billionaires were indians. Bangalore was the new silicon valley the IT heavyweights and chennai the new Detroit for global auto majors. The whole world had to stand up and take notice. Suddenely everyone vied for a share of the India pie.
What better example than the IPL T-20 tournament. The glitz, the glamour, the hype and excitement of IPL has by far overshadowed everything. One and half months later,The "Manoranjan ka baap" has beaten everything outright. Its fast, aggressive, power-packed and its there right before you, staring you in the face.

Shane Warne captains Jaipur. Shaun Pollock captained the mumbai indians. I bet,20 years ago, their "India" knowledge would have been just limited to the Taj Mahal or the poverty-stricken portrait of India featuring sadhus, fire-eaters and street jugglers. The very thought of "firangs" playing on our turf, representing different Indians cities would have just been laughed off as a figment of imagination, when Indians first took to the sport of the bat and the ball. Not that IPL has changed everything overnight, its just one of the many big things that has driven home the point. The colonial inventors of the game would be rolling in their graves if they were to witness the transormation the game has underwent a in terms of the shift of power,the way the game is played, the mooalah etc.
The Hyderabadis cheered when Symonds smashed sixes of hapless Indian bowlers(nothwithstanding his role in the racist 'monkey' controversy Down-under).The Kolkattans went beserk when Shoaib took out Sehwag with a thunderbolt. For that matter,shoaib in current form , wouldnt even dream of getting as much support from the whole of Pakistan as he got from the Eden garden crowds.
Well,just to give you an idea, consider this:
A Paki Batsman, An Australian at the non-striker's end, a West Indian Bowler, A Sri-Lankan wickeetkeeper, a New Zealander as an umpire, sweating it out in a power-packed contest at Wankhede in tinseltown mumbai's humidity. And what more proof does one need of steadfast globalization!! (Er..for your information, the cheer-girls in the opening ceremony were American and the ones who followed in the latter part of the tournament were British).
To me this is globalization at its best(est) form! Indian corporate houses and Bollywood celebrities pumped in billions saying that the game was a bit undervalued.Players were auctioned like horses and each of them had a price tag attached to him. Sponsors chipped in with their moolah. Television right were sold. Broadcaster all around the world had a field time. The crowds got their money's worth. The cheerleaders had a ball . Money changed a million hands. It was no longer cricket. Infact it was branded and marketed as cricket-ainment. New talent was unearthed. Big names bit the dust, unheard names blasted their way to the top.

As they say,change is the only thing constant and its upon us to make it a good change or a bad one. Cricket, fortunately, has adopted changes better than other sports. Move over IPL, just look at ourselves. where are we heading?what have we done? what do we speak today? We are the ones who have successfully married the paneer with the pizza,made a schezwan dosa and mineral water paani-puri.We have the largest English-speaking population in the world. So what if we dont speak it the way the brits do ,adding our own dosage of peculiar Indian accent. The point is when a country of a billion people speaks a language a particular way or adopts changes steadfastly in its own way, the other dont have a choice but to fall in our path. It wont be long before people would be trained to speak 'Indian english'.
That would be true globalization!!

Regards

Vishwesh